The Top

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By Lady - 11/01/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 288

You deserved it 44 382

That escalated quickly

By zenithbelana - 10/01/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 713

You deserved it 2 135

New skills

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 08:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 1 233

By steven - 24/06/2009 15:33 - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 998

You deserved it 112 602

By scarred for life - 21/09/2012 10:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 225

You deserved it 3 716

By Judy - 19/09/2012 23:33 - United States - Altoona

Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 026

You deserved it 3 140

Nice try

By Anonymous - 06/01/2022 16:59

Today, my wife forgot our anniversary, and since she always makes me suffer when I forget, I made a fancy 4-course meal in our living room, wearing a suit and tie to really rub it in that this time she forgot. Turns out I got the right date, but wrong month. It’s next month, and so… my suffering begins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 328

You deserved it 2 197

By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 360

You deserved it 3 496

By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 7 381

Math major

By idiots - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I had to explain to a customer that 50% off a $50 item did not make the item free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 919

You deserved it 2 842

Get well soon

By Anonymous - 14/01/2022 11:03

Today, I found out I have aggressive brain cancer, then my girlfriend dumped me because, as she put it, if I’m going to be dead in a year anyway, she might as well move on now so as not to waste her time. I knew she was evil, it’s what I loved about her, but man, this is low even for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 502

You deserved it 529

By LowOnGas - 02/05/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a Chuck E. Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 673

You deserved it 1 086

By ksamp - 12/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 345

You deserved it 6 297

Wait, what?

By HereToLaughAtU - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Des Moines

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 909

You deserved it 4 903

By steve - 05/09/2012 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 094

You deserved it 5 352

Great balls of fire

By Ouch - 19/01/2017 08:19

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 021

You deserved it 2 050

By Passtheicecream - 25/01/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 484

You deserved it 629

By Anonymous - 09/08/2013 23:29 - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 534

You deserved it 7 817

By Laura - 08/10/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 344

You deserved it 45 360

The secret

By vickyxanne - 13/06/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 904

You deserved it 4 805

By names suck and so do I - 08/08/2013 12:54 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 229

You deserved it 10 165

Acceptance

By knzknz - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 944

You deserved it 42 293

Jump scare

By izzy46111 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 496

You deserved it 5 325

By NoBabies - 09/11/2014 04:06 - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 553

You deserved it 5 017

Alas, poor Kermit

By traumatizedforlife - 05/08/2013 20:21 - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 447

You deserved it 6 808

By drixxy - 29/08/2012 15:01 - United States - Irvine

Today, my car was towed for the second time in front of my own house. They tried to tell me it was because they didn't think I lived there anymore. The person who had it towed had just spoken to me not three hours before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 199

You deserved it 1 701

By Anonymous - 11/12/2018 22:00

Today I saw a picture of my ex giving her new boyfriend an extremely familiar ring. Upon zooming in, I realized that it was the engagement ring i gave her that she claimed to have had stolen from her home... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 791

You deserved it 182

Where on Earth do you work?

By Anonymous - 26/08/2012 23:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 442

You deserved it 4 305

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 12:47 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 760

You deserved it 9 065

By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I found out my grandpa died. As I rushed home crying to comfort my parents, I got pulled over for speeding. The officer told me to cut out the "fake" tears". When I told him my grandpa just died he tacked on another $100 for lying to an officer. Worst. Christmas. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 372

You deserved it 3 525

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The Top

Today, we finally moved into our new home, which my husband and I got mostly so our kids could have fun in the spacious backyard. The moment they stepped into the backyard, they were terrorized by the neighbor's dogs, and now refuse to go outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 777

You deserved it 5 066

Today, two days before I'm due to fly out to Russia on my first vacation, I caught my extremely over-protective mother trying to force the family dog to eat my passport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 464

You deserved it 2 362

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 772

You deserved it 10 451

Today, I had to go to the hospital because I broke my leg in a sex accident. The doctor is my boyfriend's mom. I had to explain everything to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 760

You deserved it 625

Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 049

You deserved it 132

Today, I found myself being jealous of the relationship between Ethan Klein and Trisha Paytas on Frenemies. I need a life. I need real friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 624