The Top

This was actually a few years ago when I was living in Dublin. Never seen that movie so they could well have plagiarised the idea from me! Another classic from this guy: With my toothbrush in his mouth-"you're not one of those people who cares when someone uses their toothbrush are you?" FML

By gogoboobzilla - 10/12/2016 04:48

Today, I got fired via Facebook messenger in a chat that also included a coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 213

You deserved it 629

gogoboobzilla tells us more.

gogoboobzilla 2

Friday 16 December 2016 8:34

OP here. I was actually a 1099 'contractor' so there's very little recourse, HR wise. My boss had recently restructured pay to where I was making way less money...so I was suggesting other ways for me to go about my job so it was more efficient/profitable. He got pissy, I didn't back down, he said ' Whatever, I'm down with this, good luck to you' and I was offered another job that's $5/hr more, like, 30 min later.

The eyeball zone

By crazylobster - 14/11/2009 16:52 - Australia

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote, "I also have an eye.", instead of, "I also have an eye for detail", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 557

You deserved it 31 635

About that…

By S…… - 23/11/2016 21:14

Today, the district manager visited. Also today, I got called into the office to talk about "personal hygiene". The assistant store manager asked me if I had some kind of medical problem and advised me to shower regularly because my co-workers have been making comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 245

You deserved it 4 307

By college parking sucks - 30/09/2015 17:16 - United States - Deltona

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 486

You deserved it 2 164

By sobusy - 25/09/2015 17:47 - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile, I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 758

You deserved it 1 771

By need € for new iron - 16/05/2013 19:49 - Germany - Gevelsberg

Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 546

You deserved it 6 751

By James - 22/07/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 951

You deserved it 12 134

By caligirl4ever - 19/07/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 032

You deserved it 511

By Not a programmer yet - 01/09/2015 15:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer for our department. I had the idea for the position when we went over my 3-year career path last month, but it wasn't approved. I now get to look over résumés from other people applying for my dream job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 761

You deserved it 1 615

By salope - 26/08/2015 08:33 - France - Paris

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 821

You deserved it 4 231

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 05:51 - United States - Waco

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 092

You deserved it 1 667

Assumptions

By Uglyandfat - 10/04/2021 21:30

Today, I was walking home when I heard a male voice behind me yelling, “Hey! Hello!” I walked faster and grabbed my pocket knife, turned around and pointed it at him. He just wanted to hand me back the keys I'd dropped. He then added something like, "Oh, and don’t get it twisted, you’re too fat to be kidnapped and raped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 2 010

By Flip - 02/05/2012 05:06 - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 822

You deserved it 58 584

Nice, thanks!

By somnolence - 17/09/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 405

You deserved it 1 997

Another one?

By Anonymous - 27/04/2012 15:24 - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 946

You deserved it 4 870

Classy

By bkay26 - 29/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 846

You deserved it 7 673

By kdriver - 12/09/2016 14:44 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 432

You deserved it 1 752

By inseriouspain - 22/08/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, I popped a zit and I went to put my acne medicine on it. It's in a clear bottle with a blue cap, just like the nearby nailpolish remover. I grabbed the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 486

You deserved it 14 590

Excuuuuuuuuse me!

By LadySteveMartin - 02/04/2013 00:18 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 306

You deserved it 8 547

Kinda weird

By god - 29/04/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Livingston

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 407

You deserved it 5 583

And you ask find yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

By soontobesingle - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 070

You deserved it 4 425

Whatcha been up to?

By Just another Dude - 02/10/2017 13:00

Today, I spilled vanilla yogurt on my pants while eating breakfast, but I forgot to clean it up. It left a very conspicuous white stain on my pants, that was there the entire day. I only noticed it when I looked in the mirror after getting home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 973

You deserved it 988

By Anonymous - 12/06/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 730

You deserved it 3 357

STOOOOP

By Patoose - 16/08/2016 20:54 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had surgery done to fix an ingrown toenail. When the doctor started cutting the nail, my toe wasn't entirely numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 926

You deserved it 1 438

Time to go topless I guess...

By aubrey - 14/10/2017 01:30

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 236

You deserved it 336

By Spooprfailed - 08/04/2014 05:32 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were mostly naked, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissed her deeply and whispered into her ear, "You should lose some weight". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 443

You deserved it 65 840

Spooprfailed tells us more.

Spooprfailed 7

Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:42

Hello folks. Just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions! 1) My girlfriend is both beautiful and very fit. Which is incredibly lucky about me because... 2) We laughed hysterically about it for a while, since it was just such a ridiculous thing to come out of my mouth. The mood WAS ruined for a little while (but not for too long ;) she's THAT awesome), but we've been laughing about it ever since. I am very happy not single (despite my scumbag brain's best efforts). And for anyone who things this reply sounds as if I had a gun to my head and was writing whatever my gf told me to... please call 911