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By Jeff - 25/08/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 515

You deserved it 7 063

By NotThatKind - 24/08/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 640

You deserved it 42 441

By Boltz719 - 23/08/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was at my grandfather's house and my car was low on gas. He said I could put some of his gas in my car. He accidentally gave me the wrong tank to pump it out of, and I put fuel in my car that he uses for his small plane. It never ran better until the engine exploded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 591

You deserved it 3 885

Bass Pro Shop

By superfreak6 - 20/05/2016 13:25 - United States - New Orleans

Today, after fishing for 5 hours, I finally caught a respectable-sized fish. I ran to my truck to grab the scale, and then I saw my friend laughing hysterically while holding an empty net. Apparently, the only catch of our day jumped out of the net during the 15 seconds I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 950

You deserved it 1 980

Every little helps

By Anonymous - 21/04/2020 17:00

Today, I found out that my grandmother desecrated my grandfather's grave. 14 years after his death, she dug up his body and had him cremated so that she could sell his plot back to the cemetery for money. I was the one who found out so I had to tell the rest of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 959

You deserved it 234

My ears!

By puking now - 14/12/2013 00:34 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Spicy

Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 282

You deserved it 5 178

Surprise

By iamnotfat - 06/02/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 839

You deserved it 4 508

Now what?

By svsksosnns - 11/05/2016 03:59 - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with coworkers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and my mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 003

You deserved it 1 044

It is

By Anonymous - 07/12/2013 07:17 - United States - San Pablo

Today, my fifteen year-old son decided to tell his little five year-old sister that Santa isn't real. She now refuses to talk to any of us and thinks "her whole life is a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 573

You deserved it 6 964

By Anonymous - 05/12/2013 19:10 - United Kingdom - Washington

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when I got a sudden agonising cramp in my foot. I cried out in pain, but he didn't stop. If anything, my cries of pain seemed to spur him on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 753

You deserved it 8 793

By anonymous - 01/02/2009 10:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 264

You deserved it 6 332

By nick - 06/03/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 477

You deserved it 3 823

Red flag

By silver - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 366

You deserved it 344

Alexa, play "****** Addict" by Buzzcocks

By Nuttjacob - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 718

You deserved it 42 321

Taste test

By Anonymous - 08/06/2020 23:04

Spicy

Today, I went to give my boyfriend head, and his dick tasted like condoms. I'm 5 months pregnant, we obviously don't use condoms. He got scared when I stopped and told him, then he got mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 762

You deserved it 300

By Kendall14159 - 17/04/2016 20:09 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 188

You deserved it 2 659

Creepy

By jeeperspeepers - 02/08/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 142

You deserved it 133 020

DELETE! DELETE!

By Mandi - 05/12/2022 16:00

Today, I accidentally called my boss and left a voicemail as I was yelling to my kid, "I NEED TOILET PAPER TO WIPE MY BUTT! WHERE IS ALL THE TOILET PAPER?!" Followed by me yelling something like, "STOP WATCHING ME WIPE MY BUTT!" immediately after my kid walked in with baby wipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 952

By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 382

You deserved it 5 860

By ProtoBird - 14/04/2016 04:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 882

You deserved it 1 585

No, of course she's not…

By so racist - 25/06/2020 02:02

Today, my mother burst into tears when I told her I was engaged. They were not tears of joy, however. She was crying because although she insists she’s "not" racist, she was crying because none of her grandchildren would be "pure." My fiancé is black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 407

You deserved it 311

Dead to me

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 23:03

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 189

By fmlatmovies - 25/07/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I was at the movies. All of a sudden, the woman next to me starts laughing uncontrollably and talking to her friend during the movie. This continued throughout the movie, ruining it. I turned and whispered to my friend. The woman then taps me on the shoulder and yells, "Shut the fuck up!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 684

You deserved it 4 770

fmlatmovies tells us more.

fmlatmovies 0

Saturday 25 July 2009 23:31

actually all you haters out there, i didn't have enough room to put my response! i actually turned to her and told her to **** off and to take her annoying fat ass out of the theater because she was blocking the view for everyone and no one could hear the movie over her irritating voice that makes people want to dropkick babies! that shut her up for the rest of the movie.

The final countdown

By Hapaboy808 - 08/07/2020 23:01

Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 398

Creepypasta

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 897

You deserved it 2 937

By queenlatifa101bebe - 10/12/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend left me for my neighbor. Her name is Hope. She'd better "hope" I don't take a dump in her yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 423

You deserved it 16 517

Damn, son

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 20:24 - United States - Lufkin

Spicy

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 374

You deserved it 4 197

By llostinreality - 30/09/2018 14:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 022

You deserved it 411

By fmlalways - 22/01/2011 13:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 857

You deserved it 5 159

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 05:06 - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 802

You deserved it 1 687

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Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 577

You deserved it 2 960

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except that when he did, he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 641

You deserved it 4 211

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 142

Today, my mom, who is a huge Batman fan, is still weepy and talking non-stop about Kevin Conroy, as she has been for the past two weeks. After three days it was starting to get excessive; now I think I'm going mad like the Joker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 141

Today, I eagerly jumped into a pile of leaves, only to discover via the stench that the neighborhood cats have obviously been using it as their makeshift litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 456

Today, my mother messaged me via Facebook me to say that my father had died. They knew since the start of the year but didn't bother to tell me. I live 10 minutes from the hospital he was in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 519

You deserved it 101