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By ohforchristssake - 21/09/2015 02:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 950

You deserved it 2 159

By jxfc - 07/11/2016 08:11 - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 621

You deserved it 1 544

By dukemisery - 05/11/2016 08:53 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 876

You deserved it 784

By Banana_Lord - 11/09/2015 23:50 - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 463

You deserved it 1 856

Ouch

By Keegan O - 16/03/2021 05:01

Today, I was cleaning out the crawlspace and set a mousetrap off with my testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 241

By gringa_Peru - 18/04/2009 01:19 - Peru

Spicy

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170 320

You deserved it 9 882

By Anonymous - 16/04/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 718

You deserved it 7 430

By hannahpasdebol - 02/05/2017 17:39 - France - Paris

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend, a math teacher, wanted to recite multiplication timetables while making love in order to come less quickly. He could only recite up to the number 5. The timestables turned him on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 295

You deserved it 178

Scarpered

By James - 30/07/2019 18:00

Today, I asked the restaurant manager if he could arrange to deliver an engagement ring to me and my girlfriend with our desserts. Desserts came, no ring. That guy wasn’t the manager, just a guy in a suit who legged it with my ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 2 302

By anonymiss - 13/04/2009 16:12 - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 846

You deserved it 25 492

Surprise!

By Shobz - 26/10/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 742

You deserved it 2 765

By Chard of Glass - 04/10/2016 12:45 - Canada - Marystown

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 683

You deserved it 1 178

Classic

By Armando - 24/05/2022 02:00

Spicy

Today, my now-ex fiancée actually took another man’s penis out of her mouth and had the audacity to shout, “Babe, it’s not what it looks like!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 003

You deserved it 159

Leave me alone!

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 334

Women shouldn't fart?

By single again - 06/04/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I slept in the same room as my girlfriend for the first time. She is sweet, smart, and drop-dead gorgeous, so naturally I thought she was going to be the one. Until she farted in her sleep. 56 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 3 242

By Anonymous - 20/08/2015 17:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom, so I was speeding a little bit. A cop pulled me over and gave me hell. He said he'd heard my story a hundred times and didn't believe me. I couldn't hold it and ended up marinating in my own piss while he ran my plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 102

You deserved it 2 851

By JohnB - 20/10/2009 00:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 884

You deserved it 4 231

Nervous

By MondayonaTuesday - 15/09/2017 20:00

Today, while rushing to a big marketing presentation, I started feeling ill in my car. I was stuck in traffic, and before I could get my window open I threw up all over my suit. All I had were some tissues to try to clean the mess before presenting to a full boardroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 621

You deserved it 333

It's a trap!

By Ahook1 - 23/08/2010 23:31 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 423

You deserved it 54 371

By fml9124 - 31/08/2019 22:00

Today, it's our 32nd wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I caught a cold on an airplane. Since I got back, she hasn't kissed or let me touch her. I'm still coughing. She says maybe it's not a cold, maybe it's TB. She's left to stay in a hotel until I get better or die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 785

You deserved it 184

By Jimmy Joe - 08/09/2017 20:00

Today, I went to Houston to help with hurricane relief and to donate supplies. Later, I realized that I'd accidentally donated a bag that had my brand new truck keys in it. I've been waiting for 5 hours already to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 490

You deserved it 916

Excuuuuuuuuse me!

By LadySteveMartin - 02/04/2013 00:18 - United States - Woonsocket

Spicy

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 303

You deserved it 8 546

By Ben - 18/06/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 846

You deserved it 7 105

Kinda weird

By god - 29/04/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Livingston

Spicy

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 403

You deserved it 5 581

By Anonymous - 16/08/2010 23:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 645

You deserved it 13 202

And you ask find yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

By soontobesingle - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 068

You deserved it 4 424

Get it on, bang a gong

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 14:00 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, I'm dating the perfect guy. He's smart, considerate, charming, funny, good looking and we have a ton of interests in common. He also can't get it up. At all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 761

You deserved it 244

By Spooprfailed - 08/04/2014 05:32 - Canada - Winnipeg

Spicy

Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were mostly naked, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissed her deeply and whispered into her ear, "You should lose some weight". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 443

You deserved it 65 840

Spooprfailed tells us more.

Spooprfailed 7

Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:42

Hello folks. Just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions! 1) My girlfriend is both beautiful and very fit. Which is incredibly lucky about me because... 2) We laughed hysterically about it for a while, since it was just such a ridiculous thing to come out of my mouth. The mood WAS ruined for a little while (but not for too long ;) she's THAT awesome), but we've been laughing about it ever since. I am very happy not single (despite my scumbag brain's best efforts). And for anyone who things this reply sounds as if I had a gun to my head and was writing whatever my gf told me to... please call 911

Corporate

By crap - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was fired from my job for breaking my company's tattoo policy. I have a small scar on my wrist that roughly resembles a heart. My boss insists that it's one of those white ink tattoos. No one will believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 813

You deserved it 2 694

By Dummy - 21/11/2017 05:00

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 540

You deserved it 1 152

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The Top

The Top

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 826

You deserved it 3 016

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 288

You deserved it 18 039

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 956

You deserved it 2 930

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 908

You deserved it 4 945

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 976

You deserved it 339 376

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 964

You deserved it 672