The Top

OP here! My first FML got published, yay! Not sure why the heck it says I posted this from Texas... I'm from Colorado. And I'm also not a guy. *shrugs* Anyway, thank you all for the nice comments! I feel like a fool, but at least I tried to help a kitty in need. Even if it was just a plastic bag.

By Anonymous - 10/02/2017 22:27 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while working as a truck driver, I decided to enjoy my lunch break in a park. Within minutes, I was shat on by a bird. On my way back to my table after cleaning myself off I saw birds swooping down to my bag and stealing the rest of my lunch. I have no food left and didn't bring my debit card. Only 14 hours of driving to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 387

You deserved it 1 889

vaderfc tells us more.

vaderfc 19

Wednesday 8 February 2017 23:39

OP here. first some bits i had to cut out for lack of room. i had just been dropped off at my truck as id stayed at a relatives house the night before so it was midday just before starting a return shift at truck rest stop and the "didnt bring my debit card" was entirely my fault as i hadnt checked in my rush to leave as id been running late id already got quite far when id realised id left it behind, also a sunday afternoon so no banks open to get a replacement card....turned out a happy ending though as i remembered i had hidden an emergency 20 in a compartment of said truck. Lesson learned i have a emergency kit with a credit card and cash just incase of attack of the birds has a sequel.

Dumbass customers

By Fitz - 29/07/2013 06:30 - United States

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 654

You deserved it 4 442

By Rakayla - 29/06/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 303

You deserved it 249

This guy how asks the wrong questions...

By Lewis - 22/12/2018 00:30 - France - Paris

I shouldn't have said that...

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 98

So close, but yet so far

By socks - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 639

You deserved it 3 482

Who's a good boy? Not you.

By Anonymous - 21/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Newark

Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 695

You deserved it 3 439

By horribleevening - 31/01/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 625

You deserved it 284

By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 17:35 - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 028

You deserved it 5 977

Never ever

By Lala - 08/12/2015 08:30 - United States - Denver

Today, a guy for whom I did a design job told me he would only be able to pay me in 3 weeks. I told him that it was OK, as long as I didn't have to follow him around to collect my money. "Don't worry, I know the feeling," he said, "I used to run an illegal business." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 542

You deserved it 2 187

By HateTheBus - 18/03/2019 02:00

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 424

You deserved it 233

Girls will be girls

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She had her whole hand in me kind of deep. It was hitting everything inside me and triggered me to poop a little bit, on her arm and the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 774

By ThatOneGuy - 28/04/2019 16:00

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 589

You deserved it 244

It's the thought that counts

By Not a day over 35 - 18/06/2013 13:06 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 710

You deserved it 5 837

By faeliality - 16/04/2017 16:00

Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 155

You deserved it 1 928

Dude, get the message

By Just keep the pins - 25/12/2016 17:50 - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been two months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 108

You deserved it 888

By NotSoSexy - 26/11/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 430

You deserved it 30 407

By CollegeKid - 27/10/2015 10:28 - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 264

You deserved it 2 359

By thanks sis - 22/10/2015 00:57 - United States - Reading

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 799

You deserved it 3 981

By htothecr - 03/05/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 205

You deserved it 141 067

Stressed out

By mystermoon - 25/06/2019 16:00

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 16:58 - United States - Portland

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 111

You deserved it 2 308

By ak47nd - 18/09/2015 02:37 - China - Dalian

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic and trick me into missing my flight, so he could spend another day with me before I have to return to Asia for work. There is nothing romantic about spending 2 hours trying to sort out a new international itinerary with Delta's automated menus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 914

You deserved it 2 281

ak47nd tells us more.

ak47nd 6

Saturday 19 September 2015 12:32

Hi, this is OP. To be fair, he did fly me out to visit him and put a real effort into making the week we had together great. That said, after I did manage to fix the flight back, I think he was scared I was going to kick him in the balls for that stunt for most of the extra 24 hours we had together. But the makeup sex was great and I barely managed to make it back in time for work obligations, so bf is EXTREMELY lucky :) And we have a new relationship rule of not ******* with travel arrangements. Sigh.