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By Haley. - 26/03/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 341

You deserved it 6 548

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 08:00

Today, I shoved my tits in my boyfriend's face, but he chose to continue playing Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 949

By anonymous - 26/05/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 215

You deserved it 1 397

By MagickAngel - 23/05/2016 07:19 - United States - Pinckney

Today, I was the only driver at the pizza place I work at, since it was the morning shift. My recently made ex-boyfriend ordered pizza for delivery. Guess who got to take it to him. And guess who got a 34 cent tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 119

You deserved it 1 143

MagickAngel tells us more.

MagickAngel 7

Tuesday 24 May 2016 9:32

OP here! I'm really surprised this was published! Let me clear up a few things. I do use my own car and I make less than minimum wage here in Michigan as a driver. I was actually in an accident because I was delivering last month so my tips have been going towards repairing my car. I put about $20 in gas in my car a day and the opening shift starts at 11 AM. I was not the closest place to my ex, in fact it's a 20 min drive to where he was working when he called and asked me to bring him pizza since he couldn't leave the garage he works at. He knows I am the opening driver right now because I hadn't replaced my headlight after the crash yet. The 34 cents was the left over change after I gave him back his cash. We broke up just over a month ago after 2 and a half years living together

By anonymous - 03/01/2013 10:34 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 711

You deserved it 45 114

By JJMan217 - 29/03/2011 06:28 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 352

You deserved it 77 036

By chronic masticator - 21/05/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 619

You deserved it 839

Assumptions

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at school, I was crying because someone I knew had died. My teacher pulled me aside and said, "I understand you're socially awkward, but don't worry, it gets better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 889

You deserved it 3 102

All you need is hate

By neversayhiagain - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 166

You deserved it 2 917

By almostkilledmyself - 29/12/2012 07:30 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 235

You deserved it 32 339

You walked into that situation, mate

By sylverster - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 973

You deserved it 57 556

By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - 11/12/2012 07:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 546

You deserved it 3 410

By bestnameright - 10/12/2012 03:53 - United States - Washington

Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 592

You deserved it 2 065

bestnameright tells us more.

bestnameright 14

Monday 10 December 2012 21:43

Actually when I told my humanities teacher about the project I learned that my math teacher has a degree in literature or something. 0_0

Malding

By fml - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I noticed the results of my hair growth vitamins. It's been a month since my bad haircut, and I've seen some definite growth… Everywhere except my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 247

You deserved it 427

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 04:49 - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 309

You deserved it 6 314

By Anonymous - 08/08/2018 20:30

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 768

You deserved it 1 571

Cheeky little bastards

By weeping_willow - 01/06/2020 08:00

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, which I now have to replace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 830

You deserved it 195

By cheyeahh6 - 17/11/2013 22:41 - Australia - Toorak

Today, while working at McDonald's, an angry customer called asking for his money back. Apparently we'd put 6 cheeseburgers in his bag instead of 5, he ate them all and now feels sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 577

You deserved it 3 053

cheyeahh6 tells us more.

cheyeahh6 16

Monday 18 November 2013 21:46

Hello! Wow, was NOT expecting this to get published! Just to let you all know what happened in more detail, the guy came through the drive thru around 3am and ordered $80 worth of food. I must have either read the order wrong or counted wrong and put in an extra cheeseburger. When he called back, I picked up, and he verbally abused me for about 2 minutes about how he was feeling sick because of my ignorance and that I should have known better. When I gave the phone to my manager, she listened, then sighed and responded with, "you're an idiot" and hung up. Haha. He then came back and we had to call the police to make him leave because he was clogging up the drive thru. Unfortunately, we've dealt with worse people.