The Top

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By hubby - 08/10/2013 17:57 - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 699

You deserved it 5 800

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 05/10/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I realized that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barked as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returned, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 109

You deserved it 8 778

By Mybrotherissatan - 10/03/2016 15:59 - United States - Arrington

Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 647

You deserved it 1 332

By clubber - 04/11/2008 04:16 - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 345

You deserved it 9 048

By Anonymous - 16/01/2010 16:44 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 841

You deserved it 4 243

Great move

By TheGreatAndPowerfulDerp - 13/09/2020 05:02

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 456

You deserved it 4 171

Traditional

By Anonymous - 08/01/2022 02:01

Today, while I was at work, my dumbass husband gave his dead rabbit a Viking funeral by sending it down the river behind our house in a crate he set on fire. It got stuck on a tree, which caught on fire, along with the field and the warehouse next to the field. The police think he did it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 178

By ktm1313 - 26/01/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 816

You deserved it 20 017

By Embarrassed - 22/08/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 830

You deserved it 4 354

Time out

By sadandmad - 20/01/2016 16:09 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 182

You deserved it 2 942

By Anonymous - 02/12/2018 15:30

Today, I learned after weeks of waiting that my order of vinyl siding had been shipped to a contractor in another state, who installed it without realizing it was the wrong style and color. I would have to wait weeks for a new shipment, except the manufacturer has discontinued it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 728

You deserved it 165

Not so smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 14/08/2013 09:11 - United States - Sanford

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 343

You deserved it 6 867

By TooFlamingHot - 14/01/2016 02:08 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 894

You deserved it 1 516

Mr Commitment

By Crushed - 09/12/2018 12:30

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously, but with no relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 131

You deserved it 544

By TabbyCat87 - 13/01/2016 00:16 - United States - Lamar

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 632

You deserved it 1 475

By Oh-Shit! - 10/08/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 220

You deserved it 5 497

By krfenton8 - 11/01/2016 06:49

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 599

You deserved it 4 110

By rtrim29 - 26/12/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 739

You deserved it 93 786

By leftout - 25/12/2015 05:51 - United States - Whitney

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 294

You deserved it 1 663

By Unluggee - 04/06/2009 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 961

You deserved it 188 821

Are you kidding me?

By Anonymous - 11/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 958

You deserved it 635

By whitnayfortooh - 04/12/2015 18:26 - United States - Hampton

Today, I was trying to get a piece of apple that was stuck in between my teeth. A chunk of my tooth came out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 364

You deserved it 2 382

whitnayfortooh tells us more.

whitnayfortooh 29

Saturday 5 December 2015 2:50

I grind my teeth pretty violently at night which caused the chip. Not bad dental hygiene ;)

By ihateithere - 25/03/2019 20:00

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 717

You deserved it 230

By setaleschausasses - 26/12/2010 05:22 - Lebanon

Today, I was trying to impress a very cute guy at a party by grinding up against him. During my very sexy choreography, I heard him say, “It feels like a slug rubbing against me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 307

Cats being weird little dudes

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 332

You deserved it 3 805

Ouch

By kb123 - 05/05/2019 20:00

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 954

You deserved it 367

Keeper

By Loopy - 07/05/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 055

You deserved it 484

By apparentlybutch - 05/09/2014 21:11 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I asked out the girl I really like. She turned me down, saying that she's a lesbian. That'd be fine, if I were a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 231

You deserved it 4 578

Fresh!

By Leanna - 10/04/2017 12:00

Today, I cleaned my entire house. Ready for a fresh finishing touch in the bedroom, I grabbed the Febreze and lightly sprayed over my clean bedding, carpeting, and clothing. Then a pungent odor hit me. It seems someone forgot to label the bottle when they filled it with vinegar instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 155

You deserved it 708

By mydadforgetsme - 04/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 700

You deserved it 1 473

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The Top

Today, I was yelled at by my mom for not communicating to the rest of my family about the zoom call SHE planned and asked for. The call was to celebrate my birthday. Apparently, it was my responsibility to coordinate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 532

You deserved it 113

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our first apartment together by having a bloodcurdling, hot, screaming lovemaking session. Once we were done, we lay happily in each other's arms when we heard the neighbour say, no louder than a whisper, "They're done just in time for for the news." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 384

You deserved it 2 991

Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 128

You deserved it 6 200

Today, as something cute to do, my boyfriend and I dressed as Snow White and the Prince so we could photograph the moment he kisses me and I wake up. He thought it would be funny to use his penis, so now there’s a picture of us dressed up with my dumb self kissing his penis with my eyes closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 870

You deserved it 1 401

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 626

You deserved it 5 415

Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all the wrong places, specifically the county jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 587

You deserved it 5 721