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By RightInTheFace - 12/09/2015 16:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 596

You deserved it 1 908

By brittsters - 04/09/2015 17:46 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 943

You deserved it 3 089

Technique

By icandothecancan - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 026

You deserved it 6 279

By Jessie - 22/08/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 921

You deserved it 344

By ashleyevans - 04/04/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 005

You deserved it 192 080

By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 01/04/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Spicy

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 789

You deserved it 6 743

Leave me alone

By emoflowers - 10/04/2012 02:51 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 545

You deserved it 3 349

Welcome to retail

By It's Something - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Toledo

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 379

You deserved it 500

By I Have Failed - 02/04/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 200

You deserved it 6 611

By spaaaarta - 25/07/2016 20:17

Today, I was washing my car, and I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 703

You deserved it 12 569

By futuremum - 22/03/2012 17:14 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 411

You deserved it 2 579

By useless pos - 01/03/2013 00:48 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 323

You deserved it 12 407

How? Why?

By Noname - 12/03/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 064

You deserved it 31 412

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 06:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 683

You deserved it 1 383

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

By irony, huh? - 20/10/2019 14:00

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 115

By Anonymous - 22/02/2013 07:57 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 561

You deserved it 8 109

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

By Sheila Deville - 24/10/2019 02:00

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 226

It's a doggy dog world

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 02:00

Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 321

You deserved it 170

By jaqlove - 02/07/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 043

You deserved it 2 647

Honey…

By greenintheface - 30/04/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me, until I heard, "Honey, what did you make for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 750

You deserved it 4 111

Knock out

By Anonymous - 25/02/2020 14:00

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 634

You deserved it 369

Smart kid

By bleredoshia - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 947

You deserved it 63 473

By Lonely - 18/03/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 524

You deserved it 18 950

By anonymous - 26/05/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 210

You deserved it 1 395

By MagickAngel - 23/05/2016 07:19 - United States - Pinckney

Today, I was the only driver at the pizza place I work at, since it was the morning shift. My recently made ex-boyfriend ordered pizza for delivery. Guess who got to take it to him. And guess who got a 34 cent tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 117

You deserved it 1 143

MagickAngel tells us more.

MagickAngel 7

Tuesday 24 May 2016 9:32

OP here! I'm really surprised this was published! Let me clear up a few things. I do use my own car and I make less than minimum wage here in Michigan as a driver. I was actually in an accident because I was delivering last month so my tips have been going towards repairing my car. I put about $20 in gas in my car a day and the opening shift starts at 11 AM. I was not the closest place to my ex, in fact it's a 20 min drive to where he was working when he called and asked me to bring him pizza since he couldn't leave the garage he works at. He knows I am the opening driver right now because I hadn't replaced my headlight after the crash yet. The 34 cents was the left over change after I gave him back his cash. We broke up just over a month ago after 2 and a half years living together

By anonymous - 03/01/2013 10:34 - United States - Canoga Park

Spicy

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 710

You deserved it 45 098

By chronic masticator - 21/05/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 613

You deserved it 839

All you need is hate

By neversayhiagain - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 164

You deserved it 2 917

By almostkilledmyself - 29/12/2012 07:30 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 235

You deserved it 32 332

U-turn

By jaimie - 19/03/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 890

You deserved it 8 645

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

The Top

Today, my mum and I were walking down a road where we met an old neighbour who recently got divorced. Her son who we hadn't seen for about 10 years was with her and he looked very handsome. I said, "oh wow ! your son has grown up so much !" The woman replied, "this is my boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 556

You deserved it 8 964

Today, after an emergency, my sister’s kids had to spend the night at my house. While I was asleep, they absolutely trashed my place top to bottom. In the morning my sister came in, said, “Wow, what a mess! Bye!” without offering to help clean up or make her kids do it. They drew on my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 192

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 246

You deserved it 20 060

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 860

You deserved it 1 785

Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said, "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 222

You deserved it 4 623

Today, my husband spent all day on Skyrim trying out trick archery shots, things like shooting the butterflies, shooting a running rabbit, shooting himself by firing into the air. Meanwhile, I’d been at work, the kitchen was a mess, he didn’t walk the dog, and he missed my Amazon delivery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 127