The Top

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Oops

By James - 05/11/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispered to me, "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party." There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 235

You deserved it 2 834

By RDS - 08/07/2019 18:00

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 665

By Anonymous - 07/11/2016 15:48

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 748

You deserved it 813

Explosive

By burrrito_ - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 070

You deserved it 3 407

By SadBride - 08/09/2015 00:39 - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 389

You deserved it 2 505

By douglas - 17/07/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 203

You deserved it 8 262

By AJShow80 - 13/04/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money, saying it was collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then used his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and won 500 dollars. The jackass wouldn't split it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 306

You deserved it 18 248

By massage mama - 04/08/2019 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 087

You deserved it 180

By RickTooBomb - 05/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 802

You deserved it 823

By maza - 09/08/2019 22:00

Today, I made a nice meal for myself and sat down to eat. Suddenly, my dad burst into my room saying, “We have to go.” This isn’t the first time it’s happened, nor was it an emergency. My family just doesn’t tell me when we have plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 180

Fortunate Son

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 23:35 - United States - Wichita

Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 988

You deserved it 1 968

By Jessie - 22/08/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 922

You deserved it 345

By ashleyevans - 04/04/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 006

You deserved it 192 089

Wide words

By julia - 11/06/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 105

You deserved it 7 824

By PeedMaPants - 16/08/2016 00:04 - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 389

You deserved it 2 370

By This sucks - 11/10/2017 04:30

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 642

You deserved it 631

Very funny, ha ha

By anne - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my 20 year-old son thought it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 019

You deserved it 4 224

By I Have Failed - 02/04/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 207

You deserved it 6 611

Awkward

By Nikki - 18/03/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 208

You deserved it 91 623

By futuremum - 22/03/2012 17:14 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 414

You deserved it 2 580

Happy Feet

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 109

By useless pos - 01/03/2013 00:48 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 325

You deserved it 12 407

By lizim353 - 22/07/2016 03:40 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I had to make a choice between being kept awake by the heat, or the cackling seagulls outside my window. I still don't know what's worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 738

You deserved it 1 296

lizim353 tells us more.

lizim353 3

Saturday 23 July 2016 2:06

OP here. You're exactly right, it's like a humid and muggy kind of heat, even in Scotland... :')

Harsh

By mugs - 12/03/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 696

You deserved it 24 013

Freedom of speech

By Powerless111 - 15/10/2019 20:00

Today, I got yelled at for 30 minutes while on a date for using the word "bitch." I used it to describe my friend's wife, who will also yell at you for 30 minutes for using a word she doesn't like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 052

You deserved it 1 951

By Anonymous - 22/02/2013 07:57 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 562

You deserved it 8 109

Lingo

By Ethan - 09/03/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I'd got her. She replied, "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 188

You deserved it 95 473

By serverdessert - 08/03/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 577

You deserved it 19 301

By emilygreeny - 18/06/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 476

You deserved it 57 122

By anonymous - 07/07/2016 15:24 - United States

Today, my friends woke me up on my birthday by spraying me with silly string. I have a job interview and it won't come out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 817

You deserved it 1 040

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I found out my mom was serious when she said she’d never get over me dumping my ex. While babysitting my 6 month-old daughter, she took her to meet said ex for lunch while I was at work. Problem? He’s not my daughter’s father and I broke up with him when I was 16. My husband is pissed as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 359

You deserved it 124

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 961

You deserved it 2 980

Today, the guy we'd offered to hire, who had a 2-month notice period, emailed to say he couldn't come after all, because his employer offered to retain him. In this two-month timeframe, we didn't interview anybody else and now we're in deep shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 514

Today, when my husband told me years ago he wanted to parent just like his dad used to, I had no idea that meant helping with practical stuff like cooking and nappy changing, but otherwise ignoring our kid's emotional well-being and telling them to buzz off when they try to talk to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 176

Today, the drummer from my favorite band threw a drumstick into the crowd during a concert. It hit me on the head and bounced into my friend's hands. She left with a drumstick from a band she didn't want to see in the first place. I left with a bruise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 175

Today, our family dog passed away. My 16 year-old daughter had a tantrum over us cancelling her 16th birthday trip, because, “the stupid dog picked the perfect day to die.” She says she’s going on the trip “with or without us.” She actually went. With her friends. What do they see in this sociopathic brat? FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 1 729