Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, at work, I had to use the bathroom to urinate. It's basically in an open plan office, so everyone can hear absolutely everything. After successfully and discreetly doing my business, I noticed a bit of dirt on the wall. I gave it a rub with my thumb on the smooth tile. It sounded exactly like a loud fart. FML
Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML
Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML
Today, during a conversation, my boss said, "What, what?" Before I could stop myself, I replied, "In the butt." FML
Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML
Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML
Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML
Today, I sharted in work this morning. It was rather unpleasant and everyone around me knew what had happened. The embarrassment was stifling. FML
Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML
Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
I hope you work at a grocery store. Otherwise this FML goes from kinky to truly bizarre.
ballettillidie 8
Please use the lotion instead.
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Comments (78)
AlwayzCelly 13
It's better than having to say "Sir please stop rubbing yourself in pee"
Maxus1221 11
Barely.
iazy9 14
Does that mean he was rubbing the inside if his bladder? Ouch.
TheCanucklehead 22
Why not rub yourself with pee. I hear it's a healthy conditioner
ballettillidie 8
Please use the lotion instead.
Jake_Hale 7
Why? The peas is already itself a turn on. Better than 50 shades a grey I might say lol (oh my god I rhymed)
esines 9
The lotion on his peanis? Sounds like an average night for me
MichellinMan 20
It puts the lotion on the skins or it gets the hose again.
esines 9
Preeeecious!
niallo 23
You know, some people would pay more for Those peas.
Sfaizi24 17
#43. Deserves infinite downvotes
shaww 28
It sounds like he's masturbating with peas
doodieman 9
Sherlock is that you?
NoFlippinWai 24
Where is Watson? I always thought he was the mastermind.
DocBastard 40
I hope you work at a grocery store. Otherwise this FML goes from kinky to truly bizarre.
Snazzy_Snaz 17
Cleanup on aisle 3
DividableByZero 11
Or an old folks home. Crazy shit always happens there
thatgirlinoregon 21
It could have also potentially been in a restaurant. "Sir, please refrain from using your genitals to stir your split pea soup."
Corgidan 12
At least she was able to maintain a *adorns tinted lenses* PEASful situation!
mpsteve137 15
I've always had such a problem trying to like vegetables. Now look at this guy! What a champ
Henge 6
true. I have always been told to eat my greens... never to play with my food though....
jrod9327 17
I am afraid to ask what kind of job you have lol. Hopefully an all natural lotion manufacture that uses peas? Maybe, probably not but oh god I dont know what to think.
yourmurderscenex 13
I guess a grocery store is out of the question?
NoFlippinWai 24
Resturant? Nursing Home? Home Nurse? Stripper?
everton99 16
Loving the OP's name though.
EmmaMK 35
Me too!
lickastick 27
I need more information because my mental picture is a tad disturbing.
Conn3ct 9
I don't think more details will make it less disturbing sadly.
cosicosei 22
Can i have your job? It seems so entertaining
zandalee 20
It's probably in the New Zealand Beehive. :)
EmmaMK 35
I Love your job!