Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML
Today, I was changing a wound bandage on one of my patient’s buttocks. I forgot to initial and date the bandage per hospital regulation. As I kneeled in to write, the patient let out the biggest loudest fart directly in my face. The worst part? Some of it sprayed out, some on my face. FML
Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML
Today, while observing a surgery, I was asked to open a glass ampule of adrenaline. Not only did I break it and get it everywhere, I sliced open my thumb bad enough to need stitches. FML
Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML
Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML
Today, I was nervously observing a delicate medical procedure while training at my new job. I tried to stifle a sneeze and instead (as you can probably guess) ripped the biggest, most cartoonishly loud fart of my life. My ass sounded like a tuba and I was asked to leave the room. FML
Today, I held a container while a patient tried to throw up in it. She missed. FML
Today, I went to take a drink from my water bottle while sitting in a quiet office with 5 coworkers. I squeezed too hard, sending a jet of water straight into my nose. My coworkers now think I need a sippy cup. FML
Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML
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Top comments
lu95 16
Hopefully said patient doesn't read this website! Otherwise, good luck being poor!
GrinchFu1 27
There's no hipaa violation if you didn't mention his name. Hahahaha!!!
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Comments (160)
theberndttoast 8
lolz
lu95 16
Hopefully said patient doesn't read this website! Otherwise, good luck being poor!
MzZombicidal 36
His new catchphrase should be "kiss my glass!"
Ian7890 23
I'm pretty sure he can't sue anyway. maybe if op used his real name, but they didn't.
easyprey 8
If he even tried to sue he would have to get the foot of every FML commenter removed from his rectum. We stand up for each other!
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
This doctor just broke confidentiality. So if the guy DOES find this website, he CAN take legal action. It's not that hard to trace the IP address of the original poster, especially with a court order served to the owners of the site.
coversquirrel 8
65- he did not technically break confidentiality because he did not use a name or any other identifying piece of information
clemsi 20
66 how many guys had bottles removed from their ass in Croatia today do you think there was?
Iceman225 11
yes,it would be a frivolous lawsuit.
annie_nk 22
If the guy doesn't want it known that he had a bottle up his ass, why would he take it to court where a good number of people would find out?
anxietydisorderz 6
This doctor didn't use the patients name or any other identifying information...so, no, the patient can't sue...well...I suppose he could TRY to sue...but since the doctor used no identifying information...prove it's him that the doctor is talking about!
happylawyer 16
89- because money sometimes takes priority over dignity (not that there is much left).
niallo 23
The doctor didn't use any identifying information. If you can tell me who out of the 4 Billion people on the planet it was (I know there are 8-9 Billion, but only half are male) ill be really impressed. I work in the medical field in the US, and talk about stuff all the time. As people know who I am and where I work, it would be easier to ID the patient. But I'm fine as I don't use a name or room number.
SkyDog 9
DocBastard talks about his patients all the time on his blog, it's safe because he does not use any real names. This post could easily be thrown out in any court.
thatoneguy79 10
This post has less information than a newspaper article about the latest shooting in the nearest major city. The only thing violated here is the patients arse, which he did himself. And my mental imaging device for having pictured this.
mb2_native 15
65, there was no confidentiality being broken. OP did not use any personal information of the patients name. As long as OP kept the privacy of the patient to himself, the patient would lose in a lawsuit. Look at DocBastard's blog and you might learn something.
Sinistra_Blue 12
Gotta love HIPPA. Makes you able to post all kinds of interesting stories, as long as there is no personally identifiable info.
jessejamesc 8
there is no case here. He will not get in any trouble no matter what.
priiest 8
Well..... Actually it is illegal to share the information
MzZombicidal 36
#153, as many of the other comments can inform you: No. No, it isn't.
cryssycakesx3 22
docbastard said hippa is only an issue in the states. not sure how true it is.
GrinchFu1 27
There's no hipaa violation if you didn't mention his name. Hahahaha!!!
Druu 53
OP is also from Croatia, so HIPAA doesn't apply. (Not sure what Croatia's patient privacy laws are.)
monnanon 13
hippocratic oath is universal laws for docs that might include confidentiality. im not sure im not a doc. i think HIPPA and the medical codes in other countries must stem from that.
Druu 53
@82 HIPAA is the source of patient privacy lawsuits in the US. The Hippocratic Oath by itself is not legally actionable.
monnanon 13
no its not its an ethics code but it is the basic of the things that are laws.
gmian 34
Your secret is safe with us ;)
jarrettd 27
Op. you will be hearing from my lawyer. Should have listened to my warning.
dancinwookie 21
Wouldn't it be creepy if it was that guy ^^
elian_fml 5
What if it was 0.0
mcrepas 19
I checked to see if he was from Croatia.
XanderJayNix 17
Excellent, I'm not alone then. I too checked.
jarrettd 27
I should have changed my location to Croatia. To late.
easyprey 8
Up in Canada we don't have the penny anymore so let him have them all.
perdix 29
Doc already has a picture of that.
DocBastard 38
I do?
ptoka 20
Perdix is confused, that's a completely unrelated glass bottle up a rectum... You're good Doc
ptoka 20
My comment failed an unable to edit it in time... Oh well
lilhellian 26
I immediatly thought of that as soon as I read this! xD
Sputnikspak 13
Haha, DocBastard, I immediately checked the username because I suspected it might be you. People, if you are going to put things in your rectum, make sure they are things like butt plugs with a nice FLARED BASE. Then you can't lose it up there. For the love of Pete don't put glass things up there.
ashleighlaine 21
sad how this seems to be a common problem.
JonLee 8
As Doc often says, it's too bad there is no cure for stupidity.
FrankHotpants 31
What ever happened to doctor patient confidentiality?
perdix 29
#15, also it's a US law, so Croatian doctors are not bound by it. As far as we know, the OP could post the patient's picture and e-mail address.
monnanon 13
if HIPPA is to do with the hippocratic oath then the law of confidentiality is a universal one.
acerredrum 23
There is not a single law that is universal. Every country has its own laws and regulations for everything including medical treatment. There are countries where most doctors probably haven't even heard of the Hippocratic oath.
monnanon 13
all doctors have to take that oath. its is the doctors code of ethics. the only docs that wont are witch doctors. what i meant by a universal law is one that is a law in every country which i think this is. also since Croatia is an EU country they WILL have both the hippocratic oath and doctor patient confidentiality.
CharresBarkrey 15
HIPAA is the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. It is a US law. The Hippocratic Oath is of Greek origin and is used for doctors around the world. Two different things.
monnanon 13
then HIPPA will not apply in Croatia but confidentiality clauses do.
RoboCunnilingus 23
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Rude, op. You shouldn't have posted this, knowing the patient wanted to keep this shit bottled up.
dmattimeoj 12
you must be extremely perceptive to be able to read through the lines of that post so deeply that you figured out who the patient was...
dmattimeoj 12
...and yes, i got the pun, but your point seemed serious as well.
sammieshortcake 15
^You're dumb. The comment was obviously a pun and nothing more.
charrmaander 10
Idiot you are, dmattimeoj
Gassystevie 6
Ah dat pun man
glamorous18 10
I'd do the same thing, man. FYL!!
challan 19
We remove items from mens rectums at least twice a week in the hospital. Every man says they accidentally sat on it while naked.
Blue_Black_fml 21
Your comment reminds me of an episode in Seinfeld; "every proctologist story ends the same way: it was a million to one shot, doc, million to one".
Epikouros 31
Well, I was going to sit on a beer crate, and I accidentally put one empty bottle on top of another.