Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML
Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML
Today, my first day at the job, I went up to my coworker and began to ask her name. She cut me off and snapped, “I have a name.” FML
Today, the girl who tormented my life for nine years was hired at my part-time job. We're assigned to work together on a three-month-long project which will involve tons of communication. FML
Today, I started my new job, and was introduced to my colleague. She seemed old and quite experienced, so I thought she was going to teach me. I was wrong. It turns out I'm a replacement for her daughter, who used to secretly do all of her work for her because she has no idea how to do it herself. FML
Today, I got a new job. This would've been a good thing, but apparently, the person I'm replacing was very well-liked around my workplace. All of my co-workers hate me now for replacing someone who I don't even know. FML
Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML
Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "Mom" while at work. FML
Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may become my boss. FML
Today, I started a new job. After being trained on several obscure computer programs I'm expected to use in just one day, my new boss informed me she's going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow. She's the only other person who knows how this program runs. FML
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Top comments
asleepingbear 8
Illuminati?
TwitchingNebula 17
At least you don't have to wonder who the office nut is anymore.
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Comments (132)
asleepingbear 8
Illuminati?
ColdplaySucks 18
I think more like Psychopath.
eeppiicc 8
I was kinda thinking terminator.
dalink 24
Pickup artist.
GothickNihilist 15
The silence?
102Percent 5
Plot Twist: OP is actually a high-class meth distributor and his job is at Los Pollos Hermanos.
vehementbitch 4
I was kinda thinking Liam Neeson. No? Ok
jkmartinjk 16
OP's reply should be: 'I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let this all go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.'
fksfsdhfsdfh 26
Lol good one
suiyuan1314 6
may be she has a sense of humor
vehementbitch 4
92 Im going to remember this by heart.
Gondile 4
45, the Silence does not speak.
J_C_maldonado 9
LMAO!!!!!
Poseidon400 11
Good luck on your new job, OP! Just ignore these type of people.
muzy 23
Hey! what do you mean, "you people" ?
Arthurie 30
15 - I fail to see a "you" anywhere in #2's comment. OP: Should've answered with "You can try, but if you kill me the code is lost" or etc. I would have played along. Unless your coworker was serious; in which case you may want to keep an eye open when you sleep.
AKGirlinSD 20
I think the coworker was joking. I would have played along. She sounds like the female version of Dwight from The Office.
TheVergeOfSiik 7
sounds like you've got to deal with a crazy person. sorry for you OP
UberNova 18
Or just a cool person's way of defusing the tension, that awkward silence is over rated.
BlakesHonestLie 8
If someone told me that, I would not know how to react. If you laugh at them they could be offended, but if you take it too seriously they could be joking. The best response? Tell them you're from the future and know everything that the person sent there to destroy you will do. Then awkwardly stare at them until they cower in fear.
greenie213 23
Either that, or someone with a good sense of humor who knows how to have a good time.
BlakesHonestLie 8
I would rather just stare awkwardly because it seems more fun. Even if they were joking, awkward stares make life better.
Schizomaniac 24
Now just wait for Arnold to bust in and save you.
Srs_business 7
Get to the choppa!
mangoboy1 19
I love Arnold Schwarzenegger.
KingCeltic77 18
Arnold could be the one sent to KILL her. And then her baby daddy from the future sent by her son WILL save her. Confusing, I know.
Tali147 16
I can't ever say his name without it sounding like I'm saying a derogatory racial word...
HoboRain 16
what? what flipping word sounds like?
Kingbreezy04 10
Where do you work Umbrella Cooperation?
PikaPikaPika_fml 9
Well that would make sense.
kimee21_fml 15
Try your best and show them that you can do this :) I'm sure you can!
wlddog 14
That sounds like an overly polite response. (checking where you are from)..... LoL... Canada? I should have known. It just sounds like an epic arc enemy in the work place. Perhaps they should get a theme song for when that person finishes sentences, or study up on the tv show "The Office" and figure out how they deal with Dwight.
Catkam623 27
I have to ask, do you guys really aboot. HIMYM reference to be clear.
heythere131630 9
-49 I'm Canadian and I'm perfectly capable of being rude! I can even curse, allow me to demonstrate: you beaver born, untalented maple fudger! Get on out, before we get the Zambonie after you!
dontpanic_fml 32
Show who that she can do what? Her job? You may have sidestepped the point of this Fml. It's not to form a cheering section for the OP at her work.
andyyroxx 20
It's spelled Zamboni. I know because I owned one. Owned. Good thing we also have free healthcare.
wlddog 14
LOL!!!!!! There is a reason we get along with Canada so well now. Besides the maple syrup and ice maintaining machinery. Course, when you guys attacked us before we were a county wasn't cool, but enough time has passed to laugh about it now.
TwitchingNebula 17
At least you don't have to wonder who the office nut is anymore.
KatieEvelyn 6
Maybe that's not her least-sane new coworker. That's even more frightening.
nchov523 11
Sounds like you're going to have a fun job. I wish the people I worked with were fun -__-
zombieslayer83 19
I work in a auto shop, and we always do stuff like that. makes for a fun way to meet the new people.
Shilokitten666 19
I work at a family run pizza place, my employess (im a shift manager) and i are like family and we play jokes like this on new blood lol its always great to see their face when we do it and it releaves first day tension
zombieslayer83 19
I had a new guy think my name was "big juicy" for weeks. As said before, makes the first day easier.
BellaBelle_fml 23
I agree, it does make life and working so much more fun and easier when you can loosen up and have a good time with your coworkers and the newbies. I am a charge nurse and I had to train a newly licensed LVN. I had her convinced that I was born without a belly button for weeks. I told her that when the doctors found out about my lack of a belly button they had to get creative in order to save my life by finding some way to nourish me via an artificial bell button. I told her a bunch of medical bs to make it seem like it was the truth. I even told her that my parents saved up a lot of money so that they could afford to get me plastic surgery for a belly button so that I wouldn't feel so self conscious about not being like all of the normal teens. She was so disturbed by it that I couldn't keep it going and had to tell her that I was just teasing her. Poor girl, lol. But she took it like a champ. And we became best friends.
zombieslayer83 19
#86, That is awesome! I love that y'all became best friends. A lot of my friends were met in that way. Have your next trainee look for a left handed screw driver. Took my buddy, like 40 minutes before he realized.
Tali147 16
At one of my jobs we locked all newbies in the freezer for like 15 seconds. Just long enough for them to realize that they were trapped and freak out a little bit.
AliceAristocrat 12
Could just be joking.....
dhenri 9
Please stop making so much sense!!!
untouchable763 10
At least you have a job :)