Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was when I noticed that my mom was watching me, and I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML
Today, I noticed that a picture of me on my mum and dad's wall looked different. On closer inspection, I realised they'd recently painted over my teeth with white paint. I asked them why, and they said they looked 'discoloured'. It's my wedding photo. FML
Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML
Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML
Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML
Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML
Today, I found out that the man I called grandpa for 40 years is really my dad. My drunk aunt spilled the beans. Her exact words were, "My dad is a better dad to you than he EVER was to me! You never wondered why he treated you better than his other grandchildren? You're his son!" FML
Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML
Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said, "Never take a shit in this place. Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML
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Top comments
onealmxwilson 18
Hey be thankful it's clean. He could have just left the stains on there
TyT63 12
I thought this was going in a different direction
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Comments (53)
onealmxwilson 18
Hey be thankful it's clean. He could have just left the stains on there
foe1 7
Or he could've got a new couch after all of those years
UnluckyGenius 21
Why would you want to get rid that couch? Such fond memories!
TyT63 12
I thought this was going in a different direction
docphilsman 15
That was the direction I thought it was going
\ 28
They must've reenacted the scene from 9 1/2 Yards
rockne93 17
How old is that couch??? Damn lol
vb68_fml 28
I don't believe what the grandpa said, I think he was just playing a joke on his grandson. Old people humour...
KrazieKleo 13
Granddaughter not grandson. :)
SonOfAMitch 14
Are you kidding me?! That's disgusting! Everyone knows you use lemon juice to get out stains!
mcr2000 11
um I dont see the problem I guess he should of bought a new chair though
SonOfAMitch 14
Wouldn't mind sitting in stains of your dad's contraception, hm?
sunshine41196 12
#8 huge difference between conception and contraception! get your words right!
SonOfAMitch 14
Oh shit, autocorrect! Sorry guys!
Clay_Pidgeon 11
nice save...nice save....*shakes head of approval*
duhhspammerx3 16
At least he was honest!
emirie 21
I don't know, I feel like OP could've gone about the rest of his life without knowing that.
chocolatefrog28 29
You may want to invest in some bleach for the stains that memory leaves on your brain, OP. Ouch!
rockne93 17
Something tells me bleach on the brain could go wrong
SammyS2012 21
what are you talking about? brain bleach is very helpful? just pour some on and your unsightly memories will disappear forever! ... and maybe your consciousness as well, but whatever.
paigexox0 37
At least they cleaned it?
olpally 32
That's ******* disgusting. Ugh, go out drinking and try to forget he ever said that.
zandalee 19
Olpally please try to remember this advice next time you make love on the couch. You never have? You haven't lived!
cmayer 20
Well I mean if you're making such a mess that you have to use bleach to clean it up, you might have a problem.
emilyyy_maryyy 14
Some things are better left unsaid.