Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
Today, my husband's five days of constipation came to an abrupt end when he woke up, farted, tried to dash to the bathroom but didn’t make it in time. He then proceeded to drop a log on the hallway carpet over a foot long, as thick as a can of Lynx antiperspirant. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my husband and I shared a chinese prawn dinner. I now have the most violent shits I’ve ever experienced in my life. He is completely fine and keeps rubbing it in my face by being able to eat his meals without throwing them up. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
snafu57 1
tell him to shit two bowling balls and then come back and report
shenanighenz 0
Sometimes when I get really gassy and take a bad poop it gives me flashbacks to giving birth. So I don't think he's that far off.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (186)
myballs 0
But it is!
andydawg8891 0
This person speaks the truth. Pain is all relative.
postaltubealex 0
Especially when you consider that a ****** is designed to push kids out.
Anteezy 7
Almost everything is relative so yeah.
Reyo 2
Haha. What's funny about this FML is the OP is bitching about her husband thinking that he knows how she felt when giving birth to twins...when the OP doesn't know how her husband felt while taking the shit he said was like giving birth. She's saying that he can't possibly know how she felt when SHE has no idea how HE felt either. Isn't that high-larious?
janise 2
You do realize the OP has probably had a bowel movement sometime in her life so she probably does know how he felt don't you?
Jaded4good 0
#65 yes, because the anus is not designed for taking a dump. Do you think before you type?
gammagamma 2
You do realize that in 80% of child-births, the mother's ****** tears?
deathmajestic 0
yes, not only that though every idea, and any concept is relative to "the spectators point of view" so arguing is futile
applesmoothiee 2
#165 Try not to take everything you read on here so seriously. :) I'm not exactly going to talk about how it's scientifically impossible to squeeze a baby out your anus :P
andrewgavn 0
dude ur right
littlemisshottie_fml 0
hahaaaa OP I love u
kieran247 0
it's a joke chill.. not an fml
cobras40 0
172 ur an idiot
olive47_fml 0
THAT BIG HUH?
valdancer99 0
ohh...
tx_beast 5
#165 before you talk about vaginas tearing during birth consider this... In 90% of ***** I take after eating mexican food or chile, my ass tears, and is on fire. I'm sure that should be considered greater or equal pain than birth.
22cute 17
An "easy" labour can take 10-11 hours. How many hours did it take him to push out a turd?
eduardo2k 0
well if u r receiving it then it is lol
Puls3ofth3maggot 0
POPPED COLLAR ******!
cobras40 0
I agree you a fag
scene_girlie 0
lmfao
shenanighenz 0
Sometimes when I get really gassy and take a bad poop it gives me flashbacks to giving birth. So I don't think he's that far off.
22cute 17
You'd have to measure the girth of his shit against the circumference of your son's head to really compare it.
justmyluck1212 0
HaHaaaaa. It is man, it is. Especially since his jewels were torn
shananigans 0
He's probably right. Not to worry though, pretty much all women look like they're taking a massive dump during birth, except in the case of c-sections.
LilaBear 1
I think sometime you should compare the size of a baby's head and a dump.
Monstrous 0
Is the anus supposed to stretch? The ****** is. And who are you to say the comparitive sizes of a dump and a babies head. For all you know it probably was :)
jennLove122 0
ok. so if the anus ISNT supposed to stretch than how do we poop?
Jewelofagal 2
Maybe the pain is similar to about 10 seconds of actual labor. To assert that it's "just like" giving birth to twins (or even a singleton) is assinine.
cel123456789 0
this is funny but how is it an FML?
cobras40 0
durrrr
ragsy 7
Isn't it?
zenti 2
Get a sense of humor. I would have laughed at him.
youthink_fml 0
Why do women always want to compare a man's pain to giving birth? Ever get kicked in the balls? YDI.
lawnchair 0
I'm pretty sure getting punched in the boob hurts as much as getting kicked in the balls.
DutchWaiterGuy 8
you should flip on the discovery channel once in a while :P i saw a documentary on pain once, basically a kick in the nuts is the most painful thing a human can experience. that said, giving birth is worse because it lasts longer...
KingHumanity 0
Ever got kicked in your ovaries?
ptpete25 0
No, getting punched in the boob does not hurt nearly as much. Pain from the balls is necessary because we can become sterile if we're hit hard enough, it painful so that we protect our balls with our life. No one became sterile from getting punched in the boob. It's retarded when women say something like that. I believe this man OP, in fact, I would say that he went through more trauma than you did and you should respect that.
cucuto89 0
except what your saying is a lessening of function, if a man gets hit hard enough, its a loss of function.
Boygenius50 8
While it may be true that getting punched in the boob hurts as much(though I doubt that) at what point in you life will anyone actually do that to you? I've read many FMLs about, and experienced many time myself, getting hit in the balls. Never have I heard of a girl getting intentionally hit in the boob.
rawr_93 0
I heard once that the amount of pain receptors that fire while giving birth is equivalent to the number of pain receptors that would fire if you had a limb torn off without anesthesia.
wh4t3v3R 0
That sounds like one painful friggin dump then
Reyo 2
The ability to procreate is more important than the ability to produce milk. It's not like a woman's ability to reproduce is poofed the second she's unable to make milk. Morons...
janise 2
no documentary ever said that. If it was truly the most painful thing anyone could experience men wouldn't be able to recover from it so quickly.
janise 2
@ptpete25 That makes no sense at all. How is getting hit in the testicles more painful just b/c it can cause sterilization. Women are considered sterile if they don't release any eggs but do they experience incredible pain just because they're sterile. NO. Sterilization has nothing to do with how painful something is.
corme_fml 0
Getting kicked in the balls is definatly not the most painful thing ever. Ever had your eardrum fscked up? That's a hundred times worse. And I'm sure there are several other things worse.
deathmajestic 0
my bro hit this girl jessica dayhoe in the boob, intentionally, with a seat belt fastener
saucyjade 0
we DO get intentionally hit in the boobs. it's the female equivalent of a bangcock and it's called tittypunch. it's not nearly as painful as getting kicked in the vag. regardless, the OP's husband is an idiot and a douche, because women DO shit (contrary to popular belief) so those that pop babies out can definitely compare ******** and childbirth.
LeverPuller 5
Just to put in my two cents, there are more pain receptors on a females ******** than on a males testicles. Therefore, a VERY well-aimed clit-kick is more painful than a swift kick to the ball-bearers. ... Not that anyone would have a foot small enough to hit directly into a ********, though. And not that this has any relevance to the FML in question. Oh well!
cobras40 0
113 u dumbasshe mean being hit causes the sterilization and it hurts to be hit...wow get a brain ya idiot