Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML
Today, I kissed my husband and said, "I love you." That's when our 5 year-old son said to my husband, "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year-old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML
Today, I was watching TV with my husband and my 5-year-old son. Everything was going fine until my son asked his father, “Why can’t mom know that you have another sweetheart?” FML
Tonight, my 7-year-old begged me for a bedtime story. Ten minutes in, I was the one nodding off while he was wide awake. I fell asleep mid-sentence because he gently shook me and said, “Mom, you snore like a Grandpa.” Then he asked if I could “try again but stay awake this time.” FML
Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML
Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML
Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML
Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML
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Top comments
JMichael 25
Kids say the darnedest things.
DocBastard 38
This is exactly why I started a diary when my daughter was born. I write down the funny things she and her brother say, and I fully intend to use them to my full advantage at their respective weddings.
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Comments (109)
JMichael 25
Kids say the darnedest things.
iknowiwantyou 13
this comment really needs to to stop appearing every time there's an FML about a child who says something funny. It's like the "shitty situation" comment.
tman1985 9
but yet 34, the vote count doesnt support your theory.. ya thats right
PIGaming 21
well that backfired #38
iknowiwantyou 13
38, lol it will soon enough ;)
levention 18
Kids say the darndest things.
JMichael 25
I don't see it going down yet 53. And if you don't like seeing the comment thumb it down and move on. Your well thought out opinion on the use of a show headliner wasn't needed.
OscarDV 8
Rarely do I ever see someone with that comment. I don't see many kid related fmls on here, compared to shit related ones.
iknowiwantyou 13
66 don't tell me what to do.
Sports_guy3 28
OP's username is the answer.
laden_swallow09 34
Face it, 71. You're not all that special. The phrase isn't going anywhere anytime soon since it's been around longer than you have, so just downvote it and move on with your life.
iAlissa 34
71, honestly? You have outstanding arrogance
BubbleGrunge 18
Ahh got to love children! So innocent yet so frank at the same time!
cheshirecat13242 32
"Good question, son.."
iknowiwantyou 13
frank is right. seems like OP needs to step his game up as dad.
barbsillvy 10
I can imagine your face, I'm sorry OP, maybe he heard the it somewhere and said it, that age is amazing, they repeat everything they hear! Luv those lil ones lol
Genuine_G 8
It's probably because op doesn't serve Ice cream for dinner, have a tv on his head, or fight crime.
Silvinomiae 20
Innocent and frank? Have you ever met those little bastards or did you just skip childhood out of spite towards empirical evidence?
PresleighJ 10
I'm pretty sure he said he was lying down with his son trying to help him get to sleep... Sounds like he's a pretty good dad. No need to step things up
slimkelsey 17
Ah kids....
kyle4955 12
That's why I'm glad I don't have any
Eleanor6141 11
that's when you divert the conversation and say "why dont you ask mommy.."
NoShit_Sherly 11
How is that diverting the conversation?
Eleanor6141 11
exactly !
awkwardloveannie 28
maybe he heard your wife say it? or other kids on the playground.. or you on the phone with a boyfriend...
jamiejones10 8
I'd be disturbed if daddy was on the phone with 'a boyfriend'
iknowiwantyou 13
I think she meant boy friend. as in guy friend.
awkwardloveannie 28
@24 even if I meant it in a homosexual way why should that bother you? a 5 year old might not get that @29 thank you for seeing what I meant but people in the fml community will probably down vote you for it
jazzy_123 20
and ironically 39 was the one down voted...
Fmeonce_shameonu 15
54. We all saw that coming
fucMyLifeSoHard 18
39- It would bother me because he is a married man with a 5 year old son, so he shouldn't have a boyfriend.
rhevenge 19
married men can have boyfriends.....and some wives wouldn't care.....just like some husband's don't care that the wives have girlfriends....
jamnglamgirlie 17
I would be worried about what your babysitter does when you're away.
timelessone 16
.......
Llama_Face89 33
45- Riveting..
FreakoHolm 6
A lot of creativity here!
Sandsh8rk 36
Tell him that you don't suck, but you blow.
kyle4955 12
No one should ever say that to a kid
laden_swallow09 34
"You mean, blow out others' birthday candles? Blow leaves into peoples' yards?"
tomgun_fml 16
He's going to grow up to be a great man
Robbieisadowg 16
That sucks so much.
nickdunbar 8
just like these comments. including this one
The_Tenth_Doctor 14
When i was young my mom was singing i'm so pretty and i said you're so ugly.
Slayerfan408 6
I hope he's not another five year old with a phone. Kids learn quick.