By onyinye - 19/11/2015 13:09 - Germany - Neum?nster
I agree, your life sucks
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You deserved it
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onyinye tells us more.
hey guys, OP here. We have been together for several years now and we've been through a lot. I'd say we have grown together and our relationship is great in general. However, a lot of bad stuff has happened in the past (I got raped and he kinda blames himself for not being there for me and protecting me at that time, which he couldn't, because he got falsely accused of dealing drugs and was behind bars for a couple of months until they let him go). About the marrying stuff, we are still engaged and want to get married in the future, but considering the circumstances we have decided to wait for things to settle before actually setting a date and going through with it. I think the reason why he got angry is that he usually sees himself as "the strong man" and the protector and while he is comfortable talking to me alone, he felt really uncomfortable being vulnerable in front of a stranger.
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I would highly suggest that you do some reflection about why it is that want to get married and whether or not you want to be with this person forever. People don't change.
#25 I disagree with the fact that you think people don't change, I truly believe that we all change some of us for the best and some of us for the worse, However we do change. I know that I am not the same exact person I was as a kid, Teenager, or in High School and even last year. I think that life and the experiences that I've gone through has helped me to grow and learn from them and the mistakes I've made, If we didn't ever change then we wouldn't be growing and shaping our lives to be better, we also would be no smarter than when we were as kids and we wouldn't be able to teach our children anything because we would still be child's ourselves.
I didn't say that we don't grow, or mature... I said we don't change. If he is unwilling to communicate now, he will refuse later... Your core personality does not change over time and if she goes into her marriage thinking she can change him, she will be sorely disappointed.
You're are right she can't change him he has to want to change, however I don't agree that if he isn't communicating now he won't ever be able to communicate, because if they are wanting to people do change and learn to communicate better it just takes time it doesn't happen over night changing the way you use to think and deal with things takes time and patience on both sides.
Cherry83_fml
3
if you're in therapy and not even married yet, maybe that's a sign to not get married... especially if he had a problem with talking about problems..
I have to agree with some of the others; you're not even married and already in therapy? Not a good sign. "But we love each other" is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that doesn't fit. There IS a better fit for you elsewhere.
#27 I agree sometimes love just isn't enough no matter how much you want it to be and trying to hold on when you should just let it go makes things worse in the end because sometimes you can start to resent them over any small thing they do.
Publikwerks
14
Yeah, this is when stuff is easy. If you need therapy now, I think your missing the hint the universe is trying to send you: You're not a good match. Move on.
couples therapy. and your not even married yet?. why are you getting married exactly?
writergirl1029
17
A lot of couples go to couples therapy when they're engaged even if they don't have any problems, just to learn how to resolve conflict. Better to learn early. In this case, I do worry about this couple.
HUGE red flag! Getting angry about "talking to someone about our problems" is an early sign of an abusive relationship. An abuser doesn't want their victim confiding in other people about their relationship for obvious reasons, so they forbid it very early on, before they start being really cruel and controlling. And even if that weren't the case, the fact that you aren't even married yet and in therapy is a really bad sign too. This is supposed to be the easy part. It's only going to get harder once you're married and have been together for a long time. And don't excuse his behavior just because circumstances may not be good, whether it's a death in the family, a job loss, or what have you. If he uses difficult circumstances as an excuse to treat you badly, that won't change either. It'll only get worse, and increasingly insignificant situations will set off his bad behavior. I Of course, I don't know the whole story, but I'm just saying from what I'm hearing and what I know it doesn't look good. Really think about what you're going to do and realize that you can still change your mind. There are other men out there who will love you and a relationship with one of them may be better for you. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you and you end up happy, whatever you decide to do.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. It's so common for abusers to make nice in therapy and seem like they're really listening and willing to change, then as soon as they get out to scream at their partners and act like telling someone else what they do was this massive betrayal. Be careful, OP
Most vague thing ever maan
It looks like counciling won't help much...
Just get it into his head that you need to sort things out somehow. As he's your fiancé I'm sure you and him both want to sort your problems out! :)
sounds like pmsing
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Wow... That definitely is a lot to go through as a couple. I hope you two can works things out somehow. Best of luck, OP.
If he's not willing to make it work by using a common remedy, either find a way to talk through things yourself, or reevaluate your decision to marry him