Animals: Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to...

By Elizabeth Ann - 19/11/2018 12:00

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 635

You deserved it 374

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Same thing different taste

Rise and shine

By Anonymous - 29/04/2020 08:00

Today, my cat woke me up at 3 a.m. by jumping from the shelf and landing on my nutsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 275

By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 917

You deserved it 4 622

By cdn_steed - 23/04/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 968

You deserved it 4 659

Meow!

By patronuscat? - 05/10/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 619

You deserved it 1 059

By jenA - 21/08/2012 13:04 - United States - Russellville

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 853

You deserved it 2 987

Human! I request petting!

By Anonymous - 07/11/2022 06:00

Today, my cat has made a habit of waking me and my husband up every morning by meowing in front of our bedroom door until we get up. This morning, I finally got her to stop, so I went back to bed hoping to sleep in for a while… Only to be kept awake by my husband’s snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 140

Wake up, human!

By inveralaska - 16/06/2016 21:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 036

You deserved it 2 355

By Jonathan - 13/10/2008 08:27

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 406

You deserved it 19 716

Metal Cat

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 05:01

Today, my cat jumped on my chest while I was sleeping and head-butted my nose to show she loves me. It was hard enough to crack it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 98

Surprise, human!

By Anonymous - 22/04/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I didn't realize my cat was sleeping in the room with me until she decided to jump on me in the middle of the night, resulting in a critical hit to my groin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 98

Chloe555_fml 27

Monday 19 November 2018 13:45

I hate having these daily Mammograms, Dr Mittens.

ojosRojos 28

Monday 19 November 2018 13:18

Does your boob size really make a difference? I’m not an E cup but that would definitely still hurt me lol

Comments

Scott Killingsworth 3

Tuesday 20 November 2018 19:13

those are some big ass *******

Squidgegg 4

Tuesday 20 November 2018 22:50

Have you considered a door?

Taytaythebabe 7

Thursday 22 November 2018 5:16

Talk to me when your a HHH cup with a German Shepherd that loves to do that to go out in the morning

EmDizzle2007 28

Friday 23 November 2018 5:33

another weird post that mentions the exact size of the breasts like we NEED to know to relate to the story.

bullsonyourface 20

Sunday 13 October 2019 0:59

pics or it didn't happen

Keywords

Weird Miscellaneous Awkward Shopping My ex Family Relatable Racism Love Kids AITA Cheating Work Break-ups Animals Cats Cute Sex Intimacy Relationship advice Alcohol Coworkers Health Psychology Mental health Neighbours Cops Stressed out Parents Scary

The Top

Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs, to climb up onto platform. Sexy. Unfortunately, she missed the chair and stood on my balls, full weight, without noticing. I didn't 'enjoy' anything after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 352

Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 379

You deserved it 5 159

The Top

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 152

You deserved it 12 920

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 566

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 186

You deserved it 27 951

Today, I found out that, despite working 4 part-time jobs, that I will not qualify for maternity leave by my due date with the mandatory 600 hours. I can't get full-time work and I'm 8 months pregnant now. This'll be fun! FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 163

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend after driving 200 miles to see him. While arguing, I told him I never wanted to see him again and left after slamming the front door. I left my car keys in his kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 788

You deserved it 59 073

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s parents, hoping that they would like me. They made subtle, mean comments during dinner and made me feel like total crap, all because my boyfriend left his ex-wife for me. They don’t get that we’re both good and compatible for each other, and that’s what matters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 1 744