Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2010 at 3:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

by thanxguys / 03/17/2010 at 3:03pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, I went in for a doctors appointment. When I got on the scale, I was really excited to see that I'd lost ten pounds since the last time I weighed myself at the gym. The doctor then severely lectured me on the fact that I had gained twenty since my visit last year. FML

by Betty / 03/17/2010 at 2:26pm / United States (Louisiana) / Health

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

by smiler / 03/17/2010 at 12:59pm / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I was playing volleyball in gym when I went up for a spike. As I was coming down, I elbowed a girl in the face. It turns she's the second most important lead in our school musical, which we perform on Thursday. Her nose is broken. FML

by bmaas / 03/17/2010 at 12:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

by Ouch / 03/17/2010 at 12:16pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day and the nicest day of the year so far. I'm spending it in the bathroom, puking up the sushi I'd eaten last night. The luck of the Irish can't help me on this one. FML

by patrick / 03/17/2010 at 12:15pm / United States / Health

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

by shouldabeenapornstar / 03/17/2010 at 11:46am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2010 at 11:38am / United States (Rhode Island) / Love

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

by socksoffire / 03/17/2010 at 11:22am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

by mama75 / 03/17/2010 at 10:18am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

by Bushfan101 / 03/17/2010 at 8:48am / Intimacy

Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML

by KobraKommander / 03/17/2010 at 7:51am / Transportation