Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

by WhoaThere / 12/18/2009 at 12:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking an important exam for Calculus. Out of nowhere, the kid behind me starts violently kicking my desk. I quickly turn around and yell at him. He was having a seizure. FML

by Ryan / 12/18/2009 at 12:09am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was changing the oil on my car. I decided to pretend I was delivering a baby as I was removing the oil filter. I got really into it and was screaming things like "I see the head," and when I removed it, I said "Oh, it's a boy!" As I reach for my rag to clean it, I saw my neighbor's boots. FML

Today, I was watching TV. During a very long commercial break, I found my brothers PSP charger next to me. Out of boredom I put my tongue on the end on the metal. Not only did it fry my tongue but found its way to my metal filling in my tooth. I now have a sore tongue and a throbbing toothache. FML

by Shocked / 12/17/2009 at 11:25pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML

by yoked / 12/17/2009 at 10:48pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me. She assumed that I bought him a PS3 for Christmas, and she and the rest of his family have only purchased him games to go with it. The thing is, I already got him an expensive gift. Now, I have to scramble to come up with the money to get this for him instead, and save the coat I bought for his birthday. FML

JERKKMONKEY's comment : dude who does she think she is 'assuming' you got him a ps3. FYL

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Today, my grandpa sent me a letter apologizing for not congratulating me about my graduation last spring. Too bad I don't graduate until May. FML

by chill / 12/17/2009 at 5:08pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

by ollierocks96 / 12/17/2009 at 4:43pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

by ohmy / 12/17/2009 at 2:09pm / Canada / Animals

Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

by gotthewrongman / 12/17/2009 at 12:49pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

by Mike / 12/17/2009 at 11:38am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

jgrl180's comment : that's pretty much rude whether or not the person's retarded.

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Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

by owmyballs / 12/17/2009 at 11:34am / Thailand (Krung Thep) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went in for an interview at my dream job. When I walked in, I got a dirty look from the front desk secretary. Turns out, the guy interviewing me was from a dating website I'm on. I'd rejected him and told him to get a life. FML

by Interview tragedy / 12/17/2009 at 10:46am / United States (Texas) / Work