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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

#6436100
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13775) - you deserved it (33863)

On 11/24/2009 at 1:45pm - animals - by J (woman) - United Kingdom (Somerset)

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

#6435507
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13892) - you deserved it (52307)

On 11/24/2009 at 12:11pm - animals - by yomamma787 - United States (New Mexico)

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

#6435138
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32527) - you deserved it (3194)

On 11/24/2009 at 11:08am - love - by Yes (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

#6434122
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25385) - you deserved it (11501)

On 11/24/2009 at 7:53am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

#6433881
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43208) - you deserved it (3348)

On 11/24/2009 at 6:44am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML

#6433707
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19448) - you deserved it (10639)

On 11/24/2009 at 5:58am - intimacy - by rider (man) - Qatar (Ad Dawhah)

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

#6433676
22 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29939) - you deserved it (3794)

On 11/24/2009 at 5:49am - love - by Lonely (man) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

#6433599
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26079) - you deserved it (5444)

On 11/24/2009 at 5:04am - love - by xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx (man) - Singapore

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

#6433448
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22631) - you deserved it (9098)

On 11/24/2009 at 3:54am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

DarkKnyte's comment : Well, when you use the term "main man," you gotta expect to be treated like the bottom bitch. :/

See all the comments →

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

#6433183
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29408) - you deserved it (5039)

On 11/24/2009 at 3:11am - love - by Face_loser (man) - United States (California)

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

#6431764
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26993) - you deserved it (2821)

On 11/24/2009 at 1:00am - health - by blowinchunks (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

#6431680
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9820) - you deserved it (27784)

On 11/24/2009 at 12:57am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

#6430848
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26714) - you deserved it (7606)

On 11/24/2009 at 12:03am - health - by cc (woman) - United States (Washington)



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