Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

by jess / 03/07/2010 at 9:08am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Geek

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

by Anonymous / 03/07/2010 at 9:08am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

by notamathematician / 03/07/2010 at 5:27am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a phone call from my father asking how I spelled my name. Not only was he the parent who picked out my name, he was completely serious. FML

by crimson28 / 03/07/2010 at 3:18am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

by laydeegaga / 03/07/2010 at 3:13am / Intimacy

Today, a drunk truck driver taught me a very valuable lesson: Never tie your shoelaces in the middle of a parking lot. FML

Today, my friend and I went to the park. I bet my friend I could fit into the swing that was sized for toddlers. I managed to fit in, but I couldn't get out. My friend had to call 911 to get me out. When they finally did, the fireman told me that fat ladies shouldn't try stuff like that. FML

by fatlady / 03/07/2010 at 12:41am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

by me / 03/07/2010 at 12:21am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

by OhaiiKid / 03/07/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Georgia) / Geek

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

by Maxx / 03/06/2010 at 10:56pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML

by bathroomblunder / 03/06/2010 at 9:38pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent the night with my boyfriend as he promised me that his parents and younger brother, who I have yet to meet, were out of town until Tuesday. We were awoken by his mother screaming, telling me that she doesn't want girls in the house corrupting her baby boy. He's 20. FML

by Living_Loving / 03/06/2010 at 8:21pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

by Octobre / 03/06/2010 at 8:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation