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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

#1429892
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18352) - you deserved it (52729)

On 04/28/2009 at 5:49pm - love - by ugh (woman) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

#1427967
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15803) - you deserved it (56768)

On 04/28/2009 at 4:52pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Swindon)

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

#1427815
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40520) - you deserved it (7586)

On 04/28/2009 at 4:47pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

#1423979
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20615) - you deserved it (57701)

On 04/28/2009 at 2:47pm - misc - by fuckspellcheck (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

#1418497
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13496) - you deserved it (60705)

On 04/28/2009 at 10:12am - misc - by owned (woman) - Singapore

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

#1418421
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11461) - you deserved it (101965)

On 04/28/2009 at 10:08am - health - by david - United States (Colorado)

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

#1416648
366 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21503) - you deserved it (226777)

On 04/28/2009 at 7:16am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London)

RyanRaygun's comment : Not to mention your heroin habit.

See all the comments →

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

#1416209
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66723) - you deserved it (5953)

On 04/28/2009 at 5:44am - intimacy - by Lockie (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

#1415955
193 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22940) - you deserved it (101175)

On 04/28/2009 at 5:01am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Singapore

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

#1415940
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15136) - you deserved it (82102)

On 04/28/2009 at 4:53am - love - by H-B (man) - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

#1415880
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52366) - you deserved it (7711)

On 04/28/2009 at 4:45am - misc - by fuckmylife (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, at work I grabbed some customer keys off the board. I was checking out their cool flashlight keychain. At the exact moment I realized it wasn't a keychain, I pepper sprayed myself directly in the right eye. FML

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

#1414687
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22708) - you deserved it (41707)

On 04/28/2009 at 2:50am - love - by Mikey (man) - United States (California)



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