Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

by Tequila / 06/20/2011 at 12:12pm / Netherlands (Overijssel) / Health

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

by Username / 06/20/2011 at 11:57am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

greg1234567890's comment : whose bush was it?

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Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

by m2k / 06/20/2011 at 10:59am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

by blondetergent / 06/20/2011 at 4:12am / Singapore / Love

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

by wtf / 06/20/2011 at 3:43am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Doortje's comment : Wow, you're screwed.

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Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

by NewTenant / 06/20/2011 at 3:37am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

mcxhunni's comment : maybe she thought you might have been referring to your dick... not dumping on yourself...

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Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he had been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous". We've been together over 2 years now. FML

by MissNoFuture / 06/20/2011 at 3:13am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

by firethorn / 06/20/2011 at 1:57am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

by Anonymous / 06/20/2011 at 1:45am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I received the only love letter I've ever gotten. Too bad it's from the guy who's been stalking me. FML

by Hello / 06/20/2011 at 1:21am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

by Anonymous / 06/20/2011 at 12:03am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

by Heartbroken / 06/19/2011 at 10:17pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

by stillAvirgin:( / 06/19/2011 at 9:46pm / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy