Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

by pinocchio / 06/24/2011 at 7:04pm / United States / Love

Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML

by Username / 06/24/2011 at 6:11pm / United States (Louisiana) / Kids

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

by Anonymous / 06/24/2011 at 5:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

by Paul Williams / 06/24/2011 at 3:17pm / United States / Health

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

by Anonymous / 06/24/2011 at 1:00pm / United States / Miscellaneous

lifesabeach1213's comment : And the lesson is... don't judge teens by their parents and don't judge parents by their teens.

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Today, my neighbor passed away, and my father and I went to give his wife our condolences. In the middle of my dad's conversation with the wife, he says "I'm sorry for your loss, I knew Jim well, he was a great guy." The wife stares at him and says, "His name was Rich." FML

by Elliott_B / 06/24/2011 at 11:54am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

amerwin's comment : Did I say Jim? I meant 'him'!!

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Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

by Eve / 06/24/2011 at 6:45am / Ireland (Cork) / Intimacy

swimchica22's comment : you must feel so loved :D pancakes are the sexiest breakfast food :P

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Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

by chaoticnh / 06/24/2011 at 5:57am / Austria / Health

Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML

by John / 06/24/2011 at 3:17am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML

by gutav indogop / 06/24/2011 at 2:47am / Switzerland (Aargau) / Work

Today, my boss gave me a speech about my "motivation issues". I've been working for him for 2 months, the commissions I've made for him paid off his bills, so what are my motivation issues? I turned down his offer of a date. I have a boyfriend. He keeps asking. FML

by Leah / 06/24/2011 at 1:11am / United States / Work

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

by Sam / 06/24/2011 at 12:46am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I dislocated my collarbone while trying remove my bra without taking off my shirt. FML

by Ali (New York) / 06/23/2011 at 11:01pm / United States (New York) / Health