Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML
Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML
Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML
Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML
Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML
Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML
Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML
Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML
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