funkthat26

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Emergency

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

The smell test

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

Mr Beard

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

Same thing

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML