Today, I babysat a four year-old kid, so his parents could go out to party. Once in bed, he yelled, "I want to go party!" After three or four times, I told him to go to sleep. Two hours later, he'd wet the bed, saying, "I told you I want to go potty!" FML
Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML
Today, my Mom came to pay me a short visit at college. She handed me some flowers, which were a Valentine's Day gift, because she "figured I wouldn't be getting any from anyone else this year." FML
Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying, "Save your money". FML
Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML
Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my son's third grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my fifth story window. FML
Today, I was insulted online by a teenager, who said that I was probably a fat loser who still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML
Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asked where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in Psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly, and said, "Yeah, that's what my degree is in too." FML
Today, at my wedding, when my husband heard, "You may now kiss the bride!" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped, causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head, and getting a concussion. FML
Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself, so I said that I was fun, attractive, and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year-old sister walked up to me and screamed, "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!" FML
Today, I was going to hang out with the girl I like, because she was leaving for the rest of the Summer. She had to cancel to go shopping with her grandma "all day." At 1 o'clock, she came online and told me how much fun she had with this guy I really don't like. She forgot that she lied to me. FML
Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML
Today, I found out that my sister, who is 16 years older than me, is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML
Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML
Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML
Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML
Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom's car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML
Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML
Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML
Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML
Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML
Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML
Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML
Today, as I was walking back inside I noticed my mop leaning on the wall next to my door. I picked it up and started slow dancing with it, imagining it was the girl I'm in love with. I didn't notice my neighbours bunched up at their window laughing. FML
Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML
Today, I found out why my cups of tea have been tasting a bit funny. It turns out my kettle is full of ants, so every time I boil water to make tea, the ants get re-boiled along with it. FML
Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
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