Mr 33 years-old
Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML
Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML
Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML
Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four-month-old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML
Today, I texted the girl I'm going to homecoming with in a couple days to say hi. The conversation started OK, but then morphed into her saying that she doesn't feel anything between us, and wants to stop being friends after the dance. I have to buy her dinner and a ticket, out of my own wallet. FML
Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML
Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML
Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used Band-Aid in it. FML
Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML
Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said, "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML
Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML
Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML
Today, I went on my first date. When we got to the restaurant he started hitting on the waitress. As soon as we sat down he took out his iPod and watched a video, then took out his phone and went on Tinder. Then about a minute before the bill came he dissapeared to the bathroom for 20 minutes. FML
Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML
Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML
Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML
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