Today, it's been a week since I got a gastric balloon to help me lose weight. On the plus side, I've lost 5kg. On the downside, it's been one week of vomiting, diarrhea, not being able to eat solid food, and stomach cramps so painful that it feels like I'm constantly being stabbed. 15 weeks to go… FML
Today, I got a text from my bank saying that my chequing account is below the threshold amount, and that they will have to charge me if I don’t deposit money soon. FML
I'm sorry, I don't remember inviting you over.
Today, I was crossing the street and did a full on faceplant. The reason? I pinched a nerve in my foot a couple of days ago, and now it’s completely useless. It’s like walking around with a dead foot. I think I’d be better off hopping on one. FML
Today, I got into work to find our trailer missing. I checked the system to see who had been in, and saw the name I was expecting. This person has racked up a debt of $3000, run off with another $5000 from the owner, and she STILL gives in whenever he asks for something. Someone was supposed to rent it today. FML
Today, I encountered the curry issue from 'Gavin and Stacey' when we ordered a takeaway, which my mom insisted we share around the table. I only eat tikka, and had no interest in trying anyone else's, but by the time two parents and three siblings had all had a taste of mine, there was only two mouthfuls left. I'm still hungry. FML
Today, since my alarm didn’t go off at 7 a.m., I awoke to my mother attempting to perform Necromancy on me “as a joke.” She wore a black robe and everything. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
Today, I'm gonna have to make the very difficult decision to ask my roommate to get rid of his dogs. They're not only the most disobedient little shits I've ever known, but they're also terrifying my cats. My oldest cat, who has always been pretty chill, quiet, and independent, is now vocal, clingy and nervous. FML
Today, one of my best friends, someone I considered family, and whose kid I see as my nephew, picked a piece of shit dude she’s been seeing for 3 months over me. And no, I didn’t make her choose. He decided to be an ass to me and when I wasn’t OK with it, she just let him. FML
Today, I am a grown ass man and I cry when someone is slightly rude to me. I pretend to own my extreme emotional sensitivity, but when push comes to shove, I hate it. I wish I could be more assertive but I just can't. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I think the only reason my mom hosts my kid's birthday, and other parties at her huge house in the country, is so she can be a complete bitch to us on the day, and if we even sound annoyed, it's, "Well, this is my home, I don't have to open it to anyone." FML
Today, I bought an expensive blanket to help warm up for the winter. Right after I put it on the bed, my dog jumped up and peed on it. FML
Today, I went to get coffee. While I was at the drive-thru window, I went to pay with my card but dropped it right out the window. It went under my car. FML
Today, a friend was over at my house. My dad walks over and talks to me; I respond. He then goes back in his room. My friend then says, "Don’t get self-conscious, but when you talk to your dad, your southern accent gets REALLY strong." Guess who's now self-conscious. FML
Today, I spent the thirty second consecutive day in a row seeing no one but my cat. FML
Today, I felt like working out again since it’s been a while. When I was done and talking to my wife about how good I felt afterwards, my 3 year-old came and patted my stomach and said, "Baby in there, baby in there." Yes, I feel so good. FML
Today, the guy I had to let go because he told me he didn’t “want a relationship or anything serious” started becoming exclusive with someone else. This is the fourth guy this has happened with. What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to date? FML
Today, my airheaded daughter actually thinks her rich businessman boyfriend, who is a whole 20 years older than her, loves her and only her, and will obviously marry her someday. No matter how badly he mistreats her, she won’t listen to me. Man does she have a major wake up call coming… FML
Today, and for the past few months, my cat has taken to yelling at me whenever I walk into the room he's in. I have no idea what he's so bent out of shape about, and I couldn't even make a reasonable guess as to why. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since someone walked into a bank in another province and showing only an RV receipt had 40k wired from my account. I notified them immediately, and was told to call back later. Then I was told it wasn't fraud, it was done in person. I will get the money back but unfortunately that's only the start… FML
Middle Age Divorced Dad tells us more.
So it turns out anyone with a Canadian's name, address, date of birth and the ability to make an educated guess can get that person's credit report. Using my credit report they found out I had a line of credit. I haven't used this line of credit in over 7 years and my bank card for it was deactivated. The bank however did have my current phone number and signature. I'm not sure how they didn't think to validate either. After spending an entire day dealing with the bank they admitted that they didn't follow their procedures, that it really was their fault and that they would launch an investigation. The next day the bank fraud department called me and asked me to identify myself by answering some questions. I might have gone to far at this point. I was not the most polite. I explained that they were calling me and that they shouldn't be asking me personal questions when they haven't proven they really are the bank. The lady on the phone was clueless as to why I would be asking here to prove she was from the bank. In the end she couldn't prove she was really from the bank and I hung up. I should point out that this bank regularly tells people they will not call customers and ask for personal information. It then took me 3 hours on hold to get back in touch with a person a the fraud department. The banks "investigation" involved asking me questions from a script. Other than where was I at the time of the incident all the questions were irrelevant to the what had happened. The Bank in question is CIBC The credit bureau that leaked my credit report was Equifax Transunion, the other credit bureau, in my opinion, has far better data but uses dark patterns to fraudulently get people to signup for services they don't need.
Today, I came home from the hospital after six days. Despite having a cat sitter, they managed to shit on the bathroom floor and pee on my bed in protest for being gone too long. FML
Today, I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant. I have to go in weekly for stress tests. Last night, I had a very stressful dream about leaving my 4-year-old at home alone, which stressed me out. FML
Today, like I do once a week, I put my bins out to be collected. I was woken up in the early hours by a drunk lad outside, claiming he was desperate for a waz. The sound of him pissing in my food waste bin will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML
Today, I got a new, short haircut. Now I look like my little brother who died two years ago. FML
Today, a girl told me, "You're so cute, like a monkey." I seriously don't know if it's a compliment or if I'm being insulted. FML
Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML
Today, I tried to schedule a counseling appointment so I could vent about the lack of quality control in software. The online scheduler said to call. The secretary scheduled my appointment then said the system would send an email with the appointment link. The email did not contain any links. FML
Today, I read an FML about a garter toss. It made me remember my own garter toss. None of the guys at the wedding wanted to catch it, and visibly cringed at the idea of touching it. Ten years later, it's all been downhill from there. FML
Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML
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