Today, I asked my wife why she’s been in such a sour mood lately. She released a barrage of complaints, but the biggest one being that she’s bored. In fact, she described me and our kids as the most excruciatingly boring people she’s ever met, all because we’re introverts. FML
Today, I went through my boyfriend’s chat with his best friend and saw porn videos. We've been together for four years and I have never seen him send me any porn videos like that. FML
Today, I connected two of my long time best friends. Upon chatting with each other, they discovered how toxic I was as a friend to both of them. They agreed that those traits don't exist anymore, but they are too hurt to continue their friendship with me. Fire away the YDI. FML
Today, I was helping my boyfriend in the garden. When I wanted to break a piece of wood, I lost my balance. Head first against a stone. Result: five stitches in my upper lip, and a loose tooth. FML
Today, I finally left New York and moved back to my little hometown, only for the job I had lined up to fall through. Now I'm unemployed, can't find anything, and my parents aren't willing to help because they're angry that I "walked out on the family." FML
Today, my parents found out that I separately convinced them not to get back together, and now they're not speaking to me. FML
Today, I have scoliosis, neck compensation, TMJ osteoarthritis, a small brain lesion, unilateral hearing loss in left ear, malocclusion dentally/skeletally, pelvic issues, knee issues, gait/feet/leg issues, asymmetric looks and aesthetic issues, and struggling with hobbies/entertainment because of hearing issues. FML
Today, I tried to fix a leaky pipe after watching a tutorial. I turned what I thought was the main valve to cut the water, loosened the pipe, and immediately got sprayed in the face. In my panic, I tightened it wrong and made it worse. I had to call a plumber while standing in a puddle, holding a towel against the pipe like that was helping. FML
Today, my boss screamed at me because I didn't do what he'd said, despite him never giving me a specific order. A colleague was supposed to test an app. He can only do that with a tablet. How dare I give the coworker the tablet I was setting up anyway and not a specific one? He is done testing BTW. The app sucks. FML
Today, after several years of effort in fixing my diet, I finally have consistent, reliable, solid shits, this coming after many decades of loose stools that caused my to clog my toilets regularly with too much toilet paper. Only now, my consistent, reliable, solid shits clog my toilets instead. FML
Today, my kids and husband brought me a bunch of ornamental cabbages for my birthday, rather than flowers. Why? Because, "you're more of a cabbage sort of person." Ah well, guess it's an improvement on last year when they forgot entirely. FML
Today, after months of arguing with doctors and them trying to hand me off to mental health professionals, it turns out I indeed have a physical brain injury they missed. Scary, right? FML
Today, even though I know better than to trust doctor Google on any kind of diagnosis, and with my chiropractor and doctor being completely clueless as to what my constant pain in my right buttock was, I found piriformus syndrome. A condition that perfectly mimics sciatica nerve pain. How did my chiropractor miss this? FML
Today, me and my dad were talking about my gambling habits and I was saying how proud I was that I follow my set limits (I only gamble once a month and online, and set a strict deposit limit on myself). Unfortunately, he began asking questions about my online gambling sites, etc. I'm worried I might get him addicted. FML
Today, I brought a girl back to my place. She commented on how neat and clean everything was for a bachelor. I absentmindedly said, “Yeah, my mom comes over and cleans three times a week.” She made a face like I'd just told her I eat puppies or something, then made an excuse to leave. FML
Today, during a first date, we discovered we had complete opposite views on tipping. Neither of us wanted to back down, so we spent an hour debating economics instead of getting to know each other. At the end, the server thanked us for the entertainment and asked if we'd be coming back. FML
Today, I'd registered for a free work event, but I forgot about it and registered for a free social event on the same day. I thought I would skip the work event, but I need to pay 500 € to skip it! Why can't I remember dates?! FML
Today, my boyfriend and I spent almost $500 adopting a senior cat and buying everything we needed to take care of him. He died 6 hours later. FML
Today, I got my hair done. I wasn’t expecting a bayalage/blowdry/gloss package to cost $350. I only brought $100. I don’t get paid until next Friday, so I asked the salon lady if I could give her the rest then. She refused and said she either gives me a bob cut or calls the cops. I now look like Edna on crack. FML
Today, I have an office crush that I'm completely in love with. I tried to make some type of connection, but to him I'm dead, I'm just like some kind of office furniture, like a lamp or a printer, but even more useless. FML
Today, I had a scholarship interview video call. I spent an hour making my room look smart. A minute in, my little brother walked in behind me wearing a cape and carrying a spoon like a mic. I smiled through the interview whilst he proclaimed, “Welcome to my show!” and did a spin in the background. They asked follow-up questions, which somehow made it worse. FML
Today, a first date had gone surprisingly well. We spent two hours talking, laughed at the same dumb jokes, and even agreed to meet again. Walking home, I texted my best friend, "I think I actually like this one." Unfortunately, I sent it to my date instead. His response was, "Good to know I'm 'this one.'" FML
Today, I had to send a camper home before the summer session was up. She was very upset and cussed me out. I was then cussed out by her parents when they came to pick her up. She was sent home for refusal to shower and her bunk mates all complained about the corpse-like stench. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend to stop criticizing my son for his table manners. He said, "It's man things, you wouldn't understand." He acted surprised when I blew my top and told him to leave. FML
Today, I woke up early to watch the sunrise from the top of a mountain after a two-hour hike in the dark. I reached the summit just in time for the most spectacular sunrise… then realized that my camera battery had been sitting on the charger at home the entire time. FML
Today, my girlfriend had an "accident" at home. She texted me about it. I tried to lightly tease her and sent a comment about her shitting her pants… to the family group chat by mistake. I'm currently writing my last will and testament. FML
Today, I joined the wrong funeral procession, because I thought everyone gathering outside was there for my uncle, so I followed them into the chapel and even hugged two strangers. I didn't realize my mistake until someone started talking about a man I'd never heard of. I had to quietly sneak out in the middle of the service. FML
Today, I finally mustered up the courage to ask someone out. She smiled, hugged me, and said, "That's so sweet. I'll have to ask my fiancé if he's OK with it." That was how I found out she was engaged. FML
Today, my stepson hit my biological son with a belt. When I demanded to know why, it turned out that my son destroyed his (stepson's) laptop while raging over his stupid video game. My husband is completely mortified and I have no idea who to be more mad at. FML
Today, I had to tell my daughter that she can't go on the cruise with her cousins because she has strep throat. She's been raging and screaming and crying for hours, even accusing us of deliberately making her sick. My heart is just shattered and I don't know how to deal with this. FML
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