Today, while I was out with my wife and kids, I saw a happy gay couple and it reminded me of the life I could've had if I wasn't raised by such strict religious homophobic grandparents. FML
Today, I spent minutes trying to open my apartment door before realizing I was one floor above my own. My terrified neighbor watched me struggle with my keys through their peephole the entire time, until he yelled "I'M CALLING 911!" and I realized where I was. FML
Today, I finally had enough reward points for a free coffee. As the barista handed it to me, the lid popped off and the entire drink landed on the floor before I even took one sip. FML
Today, I was running late for a train and bought a ticket in a hurry. I got on the wrong train, sat there for twenty minutes, and only realised my mistake when the scenery looked nothing like my stop. FML
Today, my husband told me the hottest thing I'd ever done was when he pranked me, saying he was in legal trouble, and I told him what to do to stay out of jail. As he put it, I'm "a sexy Saul Goodman." FML
Today, someone knocked at my door. I saw it was my Mom, so I flattened myself against the door and tried to be as quiet as possible. I pulled my phone out and almost had silenced it before she called and heard the ringtone through the door. I had to invite her in and hear the usual "get married and have kids." FML
Today, there's a kindly old lady at my gym who always looks over at me while I'm finishing on the elliptical. I thought she was checking me out. Turns out, since I always end my workout with 5 minutes on it, she thought I came to the gym, did 5 minutes on the elliptical, and left. She wasn't flirting. She was judging me. FML
Today, I stopped at a park because a duck was following me. I assumed it wanted food, so I gave it a small piece of bread. It followed me to my car, waited beside the door, and then followed me across the parking lot. I may have accidentally adopted a duck. FML
Today, I asked my boss for a raise, but he told me my position is a legal requirement that produces no profit, unlike every other employee, ergo if I’m feeling ungrateful about my generous wage, he will happily fire me and hire someone else at minimum wage, saving the company money. FML
Today, on my family vacation, I tried to put my foot down and declare that my daughter would absolutely not be babysitting anyone's kids. Everyone got mad and made us go home. FML
Today, I bought a new alarm clock because I kept sleeping through my phone alarms. The first morning, it went off exactly when planned. I promptly turned it off, went back to sleep for “5 minutes,” and woke up 3 hours later. The clock had been set correctly. I had just gone straight back to sleep. FML
Today, on top of learning that I have three discs pressing on my spinal column and a labral tear, I also found out my left testicle dropped, but not my right one. I'm nearly 40 and I need to see a urologist over this. After the surgeries to fix my spine and hip. FML
Today, I found out about a mistake I made at work when the director brought it up in an all-staff meeting, including staff from a different office. It was the first I time I'd heard about it - along with everyone else. Not as fun as it sounds. FML
Today, we got our daughter's birth certificate. Turns out my husband thought it would be funny to give her a middle name, which we never discussed, and he picked one to sound funny. Not actually going to tell the internet her name, but it’s as bad as calling a boy Ben Dover. I’m furious. FML
Today, I have a major crush on my coworker and I hate it because he's s gay and happily married to another man. FML
Today, my husband and I have been trying to find a new friend group ever since we moved states for his job. As if trying to meet people as adults isn’t hard enough, everyone thinks that just because we’re friendly, we must be flirting. We legit just want new people to hang with, not swing with. FML
Today, I spent an evening teaching my younger brother how to parallel park before his driving test. After an hour, he finally parked perfectly between two cars. I was so proud that I told him we'd nailed it. Then we noticed we were parked in front of someone's driveway. FML
Today I'm second-guessing getting married because my husband was wonderful to my family, but horribly disrespectful and rude to his own family the whole day. FML
Today, I was informed that although I'm eligible for a position at a school in my new city, my information was not passed onto the school, as I'm not one of the top candidates. The position? Substitute teaching. My credentials? A teaching license in 3 core subjects and a master's degree in education. FML
Today, I tried to have a conversation with my mom. As usual, it turned into an hour long gush about how much she loves her grandkids. When I said, “You know you have children as well, right?” She goes, "Yeah but I only had them to have grandchildren for me!” FML
Today, after I foolishly agreed to look after my mom's cat while she went on holiday, I woke up with her on my chest, and she must've been making biscuits on me in her sleep for hours because one of my boobs looks like it had an infectious skin disease that I tried to cut off with a grinder. FML
Today, after months of working on our relationship, my ex asked to borrow my car. After many hours and phone calls to see where he was, he still wasn't back. I decided to check my car's GPS and found him at my friend's house. He tried to deny that it was her house, when I've been there multiple times. FML
Today, I'm stuck driving a 20 MPG sports car because nobody wants to buy it off of me, instead of riding a faster, 50 MPG motorcycle. FML
Today, I stopped at a supermarket after work and put my reusable bags on the counter while I paid. When I got home, I realized I'd left the bags at the checkout. I went back, and they were still there. Nobody had touched them. I felt strangely lucky and embarrassed at the same time. FML
Today, my boss accused me of submitting fraudulent overtime claims. I proceeded to show him security footage of me at my desk for sometimes 18 hours a day, keeping the business from imploding. He then claimed he doesn’t actually have enough money in the accounts to pay me everything I’m owed. FML
Today, I ordered takeaway and waited outside my building for the delivery driver. After ten minutes, he called and said he'd arrived. I told him I couldn't see him. He said he was standing outside my building. We were both outside different buildings with the same number. FML
Today, the guy I was talking to told me to lose his number. We'd added each other on Instagram today and apparently he saw my reposts grid and doesn’t appreciate my “libtard reposts.” FML
Today, a girl I’m going out with asked me, “Where is this going?” I told her to just go with the flow and that I didn’t believe in titles. Later that night she posts an Instagram story of her on a date. I texted her about it and she said, “Why are you mad? You said you don’t believe in titles.” FML
Today, I went shooting with my dad and he brought his grandfather's rifle with him. I’ve never shot it before and he told me to be careful with it. The bullet exploded, ruptured the barrel, cut my face, and made me deaf in one ear. Dad still blamed me for “not shooting it properly.” FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her sister's wedding. I took it as a sign so after we got home, I proposed. She laughed and said no way. I'm done. FML
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