Today, I got into yet another fight with my wife because I keep telling her Los Angeles is too expensive and that we need to move somewhere cheaper. But she won't listen. She keeps saying all these high prices are going to blow up in the government's faces. I agree, they probably are, but when? Tomorrow? FML
Today, during an important Zoom meeting, I insisted my dog was calm and well-behaved. To prove it, I picked him up. He immediately sneezed directly into my open mouth while my camera was on and my boss was speaking. Everyone saw and heard. FML
Today, I found out that my parents are sending me to boot camp. All because I drove my sister to her abortion when they wouldn't. Not even she can stop them from doing it. FML
Today, my dad’s in hospice, my son was diagnosed with a second rare disease, my wife is unemployed with alcohol and depression issues, to the extent of having ruined our marriage by driving us into bankruptcy. I have high blood pressure and quite honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t had a stroke or a heart attack with all this. FML
Today, I anonymously reported a coworker for a very serious breach of the rules. He was in the HR office for about 30 seconds, then came out laughing with the HR director, talking about a football match they both watched. FML
Today, after 40+ years of marriage, I got Peyronie's disease. Thankfully, the missus is understanding. After months of treatment, the painful bend is a bit less so, but the scar tissue that causes the bend also does not expand. Because of this, I have lost a full 5 cm / 2 inches in length when erect. FML
Today, I intentionally caused my parents to have an intensely heated argument when I asked them how and where they first met. Dad said it was at a funeral, and mom said it was at a burial. FML
Today, despite repeatedly telling the nurse I'm severely allergic to NSAIDs, she insisted she give me Advil for my high fever. When I told her I would go into anaphylactic shock, she said, "Well you are in the right place to go into anaphylactic shock!" and then told the doctor I was refusing treatment. FML
Today, I took a car out for a test drive to investigate a mysterious clunking noise. I heard the exact sound the customer had described, and then realized a wrench had been left on top of the engine and had slipped down and got caught near the battery. I had to come back and explain that the issue had been a skill issue. FML
Today, I just moved from New York and I started a new school with new people. Nobody wants to be my friend or talk to me because I’m Israeli and apparently I “participate in genocide and take Americans' tax money.” I've lived in America since I was 4 and haven’t done any of that, let alone go back to Israel. FML
Today, I found out that my hip pain was sciatica nerve pain. I found this out when I started getting pins and needles up and down my right leg and foot. Why all the pain is concentrated in my right butt cheek and side though is beyond me. FML
Today, a woman who badly needed to change her incontinence pad sat next to me on the bus. I could smell it through my mask. FML
Today, I am completely mortified. At my father-in-law's funeral, my husband put a bottle of beer on the coffin and announced to the room his dad was such a tight-fisted sod, it was the first drink he’d ever had on him. FML
Today, my wife reported our neighbor for leaving her son home alone while she works during the day. Her son is 13 years-old. I am so completely embarrassed and my wife keeps justifying what she did. FML
Today, thanks to grandparent rights, I have to allow my toxic mother, who forced me into beauty pageants when I was a kid, to visit my kids. I hate her so much but I don't have a choice. FML
Today, my husband declared that since our youngest son happened to be born on our anniversary, we no longer needed to celebrate. He reasoned that it would be “wrong” to make his special day about us. Truth is he’s just a cheap unromantic sod. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend of a year and half hit up another girl to hang out while we were six months into dating. He even shared photos with her from a day trip I was on. FML
Today, my neighborhood Facebook group was arguing about whether leaf blowers should be banned. Thinking I was posting in a private chat, I wrote, “Imagine making leaf blowers your entire personality.” I accidentally posted it publicly. Two neighbors haven't spoken to me since. FML
Today, I missed a single letter when reading the Bible at church. Instead of "Hope was rich with immortality", I said "Hope was rich with immorality." Nobody at the funeral noticed, except an anonymous FML user who tried not to laugh. FML
Today, my wife kicked me out because I had a vasectomy behind her back. I'm 45 and we have five kids, three of whom have already left the nest. FML
Today, same as every morning recently, a neighbour's tabby cat showed up on my balcony. We've developed a routine where I say hello and he sits nearby for a few minutes. During the day, I learned it belongs to the woman I've been awkwardly avoiding in the elevator for two years. The cat likes me more than its owner does. FML
Today, just a week after replacing my car's head gasket in a 7-hour job, my car's timing desynced. Fixing it could take 6 hours. Maybe I should just walk everywhere from now on. FML
Today, I was reminded that I'd submitted a short story to a writing competition months ago when I got an email saying I'd won second place. I excitedly forwarded it to friends and family. A few minutes later, another email arrived, explaining they'd contacted the wrong person. My celebration lasted exactly eleven minutes. FML
Today, I had the supreme mega ultra final bosses of Karens. I knew I was cooked when they approached my brunch bar. I didn’t ID them because they were all very obviously 35+. They took immense offense to this and demanded to speak to my manager. They told on me for doing my job. FML
Today, I went on a date at a museum, I thought it would be low-pressure. It was going well until I leaned in to read a plaque, tripped, and nearly took down a rope barrier. My date caught me by the arm, asked if I was OK, then spent the next 10 minutes pretending not to notice I'd knocked over a gift shop display with my backpack. FML
Today, I was at a wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, right up until the ring bearer tripped. The rings were fine. However, the emergency chocolate bar I'd hidden in my suit pocket for later flew out and landed in front of the bride and groom. Some wedding photos now feature a chocolate bar in the center aisle. FML
Today, a quiet afternoon at the library turned stressful when my phone started blasting music. Every attempt to silence it somehow increased the volume. After seconds of panic, I realised the sound wasn't coming from my phone. It was a kid's toy buried somewhere in my backpack after a visit from my niece. The reading room people still glared at me like I did it on purpose. FML
Today, I finally got an interview with my dream company. Everything went perfectly until the interviewer asked if I had any questions. I tried to say, "What do you enjoy most about working here?" Instead, I somehow asked, "Why do you still work here?" FML
Today, I got home and went to hug and kiss my wife. She actively dodged me and gave me a list of nine things she wanted fixed around the house while she was out with her sister. I’m writing this from a pub garden, surrounded by people who actually enjoy my company. Fuck her list. FML
Today, my flight landed after a 12-hour trip, and I walked out of the airport without checking a single bag. Twenty minutes into my drive home, the airline called asking why I'd left my passport at immigration. FML
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