The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Today, it's the 3-month anniversary of adopting the "I don't have the slightest chance at success" attitude at work. In those 3 months, my boss, my coworkers and my boss's boss have all agreed and our relationships have greatly improved. FML

There's always that one dude

Today, it was my second day at my new job. The bathrooms have urinals, and I usually get bladder shy while using them, but I thought, "When in Rome…" That's when my manager came in, stood at the urinal next to mine, dropped his pants and boxers around his ankles, and started talking about sports. FML

Movie night

Today, I tried to sneak a burrito into a movie theater by hiding it in my jacket. Halfway through the trailers, the foil popped loudly, and the burrito slid out and rolled down the sloped aisle like a tiny log. The theater lights were still on, people turned to watch, so I pretended it wasn’t mine. FML

Panic mode

Today, I felt like doing a good deed, so when I bought something at a store I told the cashier to keep the change. The cashier then panicked and said, “What do I do???” Turns out, I was her first ever customer. FML

Paralysed

Today, I sat on the sofa for eleven hours, paralyzed with anxiety. When my husband got home, nothing was done. We ate cold sandwiches off paper plates. Now he has to catch up on everything and I feel so useless I could just cry. FML

Stock up

Today, my favorite panty liners are anything a girl could need: Very thin and breathable, yet watertight, and the shape fits anything from granny panties to thongs. Two different brands offer such a thing, and naturally this is the very product that they both decided to discontinue. FML

Pucker up

Today, on a whim, I decided to try to light a fart on fire. I now know how it feels to take a dump when you have a burn directly on your asshole. FML

Oh dear, oh no

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

Here comes trouble…

Today, while high, I accidentally sent a pizza to my ex-girlfriend's house instead of my apartment. She has a restraining order out on me. This is bad. FML

Mr. Robot

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

Just my luck

Today, I now know how it feels when a football lands directly on the top of your head. While I don't consider myself to be the unluckiest person in the world, I'd say I'm pretty high up there. FML

My family blows

Today, I'm incredibly sick. I can't breathe, can't walk ten steps without falling, and no one believes me. My mom just sat next to me and said, "Honey, isn't this all a bit much? Quit being dramatic, because I can't believe this." When I asked why I would fake this, my sister yelled, "Guess you can't go shopping!" I'd want to. FML

Make it stop

Today, I wore my Christmas sweater to work, one with lights sewn into it. Halfway through a meeting, they started flashing uncontrollably and playing tinny carols. I couldn’t turn them off. I had to go shove the whole sweater into a locker in the basement. FML

Alexa, play "Loveless" by MBV

Today, I've never been so lonely nor felt so romantically neglected as when I got married. FML

Nice

Today, I'm diagnosed with a terminal liver cancer. I live abroad, away from my family, so I called them and asked them to come visit me, possibly for the last time. I even offered to pay for the travel both ways. The mother, with a quite indifferent tone, declined my offer and hung up the fuckin' phone on me! FML

To be fair and balanced…

Today, I found out my husband is still friends with someone who talks a lot of crap about me. FML

So sorry I called you a dingdong

Today, I sent a draft email to my boss. The receptionist, thinking they were being helpful, forwarded it straight to the client. It's not ready for the client. I mean, it is NOT ready for the client. Really, really not ready for the client. FML

It's the new thing

Today, my 14 year-old son got into a fight with his 15 year-old cousin. I say fight, my son just practically lamped him into orbit. When I yelled and asked why he did that, my son said, "He was mogging me." I had to get my phone out to look up what that even meant. I'm still not sure what it means. FML

RIP big dog

Today, I was supposed to bury my childhood dog at my mother's friend's place. I had to wake up at 5 a.m., spent two hours on the bus to be there in time, only for him to tell me that he'd actually buried my dog yesterday. FML

Not great

Today, my friend and I flew home from India ten days early. I got cholera and she got groped twice and followed back to our accommodations by a gang of men. So much for our exotic overseas trip… FML

Blue Monday

Today, I want to quit my job so so much. My coworker stresses me out, I have a panic attack every time she calls me. I don't know anything, but it's because I haven't ever done this job before. Why can't she just show me the way instead of being so mean like that? I have trauma from working with this bitch for 3 months. FML

No more fun

Today, my fiancé called off our engagement because I told him, "I've had fun, now I want to settle down in life." According to him, our marriage should be our fun. I have no idea what he's talking about. Yeah, mortgages and babies are such fun. Idiot. FML

It's a set up!

Today, my brother had texted me, asking, "Why did you take Mom's chocolate? That's pathetic." I proceeded to swear on my own life that I didn't, but directly after that he sent me a picture of the wrapper in my room. FML

Out of service

Today, after I injured my left wrist from holding my nephew the wrong way for too many hours on New Year's, and found out that it would optimistically take 4-6 weeks to heal, this morning I managed to give myself second degree burns on my right hand from handling a tray I didn't know was hot. So that's three weeks with no hands. FML

A cute one for a change

Today, my dad was making a sandwich in the kitchen. Hungry, I snuck in and grabbed it, running back to my room and devouring it. Later at dinner, he dumped a whole scoop of rice in my lap. We all ended up laughing as we cleaned it. FML

Wrong place, wrong time

Today, at work, I had an accident and cracked a rib. I got taken to hospital where I got checked over. The doctor said it was a good job I hadn't got a chest infection nor a cold. Funny you should say that doc, I have both. She replied, "Well, that's bad…" FML

Never the twain

Today, I did a stupid thing and told my work crush that I liked her. Now, instead of living unnoticed by her, I have to live with the knowledge she doesn’t like me and only talks to me because I’m a coworker. As a bonus, she did say at least I’m not one of those quiet ones who give off SA vibes. FML

Insurance fraud

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML

Just for a day

Today, my daughter’s teacher tried to inconspicuously slide me a pamphlet for AA. When I asked her why, she told me that my daughter shared with the class that “Mommy drinks funny stuff from a bottle every single night and it tastes real bad!” Kombucha. I drink kombucha. FML