Today, I found my ex on Bumble for the second time. She lives with her husband, whom she married a decade ago. FML
Today, a creep messaged me on Discord, asking my brother to pinch my cheeks, and to send a photo of me pretending to sleep. FML
Today, I joined a video meeting 5 minutes early and spent the time quietly complaining about one of my coworkers to my friend. When the meeting started, I realized my microphone had been on the entire time. Said coworker was the first person to say hello. FML
Today, some girl hit me up and was flirting with me over text. It turns out she was doing it for money and it’s been so long that I almost fell for it. FML
Today, I found my old school yearbook while cleaning and decided to look up what everyone was doing now. I spent two hours searching for old classmates online, comparing careers and vacations. I then realized I'd completely ignored the pile of laundry I'd started cleaning the room for. FML
Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML
Today, I found out that while some people make out with others when drunk, I apparently sing a weird mash up between "Bad Romance" and Terry Pratchett’s Hedgehog song. My friends recorded it and posted it on Instagram. FML
Today, my sister blamed me for everything again. We're twins and have the same friends, but they all like her better because she's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, and I'm sick of her getting mad at me, copying me, blaming me and making my life miserable for no reason. Why does everyone think I'm so pathetic? FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by cleaning the entire apartment while she was away. Three hours later, everything looked perfect. She came home, looked around, and immediately asked why her plant was missing. I had thrown it out because I thought it was dead. FML
Today, I went on a hike with friends, but as I'm the worst outdoorsperson because I rarely venture outside of the city, I ended up getting lost in some woods after straying from our group. I ended up having to call 911 to be rescued. My friends will absolutely not let me live this ordeal down. FML
Today, my 8 year-old niece gave me back a Fluttershy plush I gifted her 4 years ago. When I told her it was a gift from the heart, she insisted on exchanging it for something of equal value. FML
Today, I realized my mom, whom I've been distant with for a few months, doesn't know her birth date. She's in her thirties and I need to apply for a university loan but it's impossible without her NIN, and she knows that. FML
Today, and for the past few days, my skin has been all blotchy and messed up so I tried a new face mask that was supposed to peel off easily. It ended up sticking to my skin like glue. I spent hours in front of the mirror trying to peel it off, one painful sliver at a time. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I met on a dating site. We hit it off, until he noticed the MAGA sticker on the back of my phone. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and never came back. I had to pay for both meals and explain to the waiter why I was practically crying into my bowl of noodles. FML
Today, I went to go visit my friends in my hometown. It was really nice seeing everyone. We had dinner at one of my favorite places, plus all 3 of my kids behaved! We all said goodbye and I drove home… leaving my kid's stroller in the parking lot. In MA. I live in NJ. I didn't realize till this morning. FML
Today, I, a retired U.S. Army soldier, was shouted down and called a liberal snowflake and even accused of stolen valor. Why? I admitted that I absolutely hate Trump. FML
Today, I was late for work and sprinted to catch the elevator. I made it just in time, only to realize I was in the elevator alone and had just dramatically dived into it for no reason. FML
Today, I think the universe is playing some cruel prank on me. Over the last few months I’ve had multiple exes reach out for various reasons. I’m talking exes from 20+ years ago to a guy I only got coffee with twice. Messages ranged from, “Hey how ya been?” to “I’ll still love or hate you.” FML
Today, I was stuck on a bus for an hour with a wasp buzzing around. I have a severe phobia of wasps. I was crying by time I reached my destination. FML
Today, I cooked dinner for the girl I've been dating. Everything was going well until I accidentally set off the smoke alarm. The fire department showed up, and my date spent the rest of the evening flirting with one of the firefighters, so I guess we weren't actually dating? FML
Today, I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fourth baby. Not only do I have severe pelvic pain, a bad cold and earache, but my three kids are running fevers as well. FML
Today, I felt things were getting serious enough with my boyfriend that it was only fair to tell him I have a lot of credit card debt from helping out my ill mom before she died. He broke up with me and called me a gold digger, even though I didn’t ask him for a single penny. FML
Today, after I packed my lunch last night and put it in the fridge, I grabbed my bag and left for work. At lunchtime, I opened it and found an empty container. I'd packed the container but left the food in the fridge. FML
Today, we wanted to buy a bigger house just up the street from our current house so all three of our kids could have their own rooms, but we were outbid… by my mother in law, so now we’re stuck in our too small house even longer, and the evil old bitch is now close enough to visit us every day. FML
Today, at my grandad's funeral, as my dad and aunt poured his ashes into the hole, a strong gust of wind blew the ashes into my throat. I choked on my grandad. What made it worse was that the vicar had to stop her prayer to laugh. FML
Today, my wife told me to my face that I’m the reason climate change is killing babies. All I did was throw a snotty hankie in the bin instead of composting it to be used in her vegetable patch. FML
Today, at age thirty, my dad gave me the first compliment he's ever given me: "Remember to wash the pan out. Oh, and good job doing your chores and your mother's today." And everyone wonders why it took until last year for me to figure out I'm the same gender as this shitbag. FML
Today, I unwillingly transferred to a private from a public school this year, due to my parent's rampant political beliefs. Some of the popular girls I went to school with in elementary school also attend this school. I smiled at one of them in the hallway when I saw them this morning. She saw me and rolled her eyes. FML
Today, my husband was diagnosed with cancer, but that's not the worst part. He immediately told me he wanted a divorce afterwards. He insists that he's doing it for me. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend got married. Normally this wouldn’t bother me at all, had his bride not been the girl we constantly argued about all the time during our relationship. The one he “swore on his grandma’s grave he would never see that way.” Oh, and we broke up 7 months ago. FML
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