The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Was it worth it?

Today, I had a stomach bug, but despite it I swallowed a mouthful of habanero sauce on a dare. I ended up projectile vomiting on a wall outside, lost my sense of balance and fell over on the sidewalk, almost blacked out from the tightness in my chest, and had to refuse an ambulance that somebody had called. All for $5. FML

Miserable grandad

Today, I once had high hopes for my children’s future, but in the last few years I’ve had to lower my standards for success from “college graduate” to “not a teen parent”. I have four kids, two of my sons and one daughter are teen parents. My remaining son is 17. Fingers crossed. FML

That one annoying friend

Today, I went to an old boyfriend's birthday party. An annoying friend suggested that we should try dating again. We were both with our new partners, who were standing nearby when she said that. FML

Busted

Today, my boss accused me of submitting fraudulent overtime claims. I proceeded to show him security footage of me at my desk for sometimes 18 hours a day, keeping the business from imploding. He then claimed he doesn’t actually have enough money in the accounts to pay me everything I’m owed. FML

Chuds gonna chud

Today, I was at a job interview which seemed to be going well until the guy saw on my CV that I prefer they/them pronouns. Now, I’m not pushy about it, but he instantly lost interest and kept checking his phone to make sure he gave me my full 15 minutes; at minute 16 I was out the door. FML

The limp

Today, I wore a new pair of shoes to work that I'd bought yesterday. Around lunchtime, I finally realised that one shoe felt slightly tighter than the other. I took it off and found some paper stuffing still inside. I'd spent five hours walking around with it. FML

Quit staring

Today, I was written up at work for "leering at my boss". I'm so sorry for having my eyes sore due to lack of sleep. FML

Risky Google search

Today, my girlfriend freaked out because I tried to introduce her to me being a Little. Instead of hearing me out or trying to learn anything real about the lifestyle, she just called me a sick pervert because of all the bad crap people write about us online. FML

You know what they say…

Today, after being horribly treated and dumped by five men over a span of six years, I have finally come to the conclusion that I must be the problem. FML

No returns

Today, I got the craziest DM ever: A woman rambled on for several paragraphs, stating that it’s my fault she and her husband can’t conceive because years ago I “stole” his virginity and introduced a life of “sin” that’s now being taken out on her. FML

There's other ways to service your country

Today, to add to the pointlessness of my existence, not only have I been rejected from the Army, the Air Force, and the Navy, I received a rejection notice from the Army Reserves. FML

Dating sucks

Today, my latest date ended so badly that I was back home by 8 p.m., drunk on cheap wine, and screaming at myself in the mirror, “What is wrong with you?” FML

The strangeness of strangers

Today, I felt ready to trust men again so I had a little foray into Tinder, just to see what’s out there for a divorcee in her 40s. The very first guy I matched with catfished me with his photo and wanted to buy my dirty undies and socks, in a ziplock bag “to preserve the aroma.” FML

Not a girly girl

Today, my husband spent money and 14 hours learning how to make fake, realistic armour for our Dungeons and Dragons obsessed son, but refused to consider making a Disney dress for our little girl because, "That’s girly stuff, mommy can do it better than daddy." FML

Great Plains? Tornado Alley?

Today, I had to cancel a first date due to tornado weather. The guy texted me, saying never to contact him again, and then blocked me. This is the fourth time this exact scenario has happened to me. FML

Gushing

Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML

A night to remember

Today, I planned to propose to my girlfriend in front of her family at dinner. I had the ring ready and got down on one knee. She immediately burst into laughter and said, "Are you kidding?" The family stared in silence, and I quickly realised she was just teasing me... until I stood up and knocked over an entire table of drinks. FML

Today, I baked my friend a cake for his 21st birthday. When I arrived at his house, his girlfriend, who hadn't made him anything, screamed at me for "making her look bad." She then took the cake, banned me from the party, and kicked me out. FML

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75 mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

Pot meet kettle

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight because I bought two new makeup palettes. He ranted that I have too much already, it all looks the same, and that I’m a hoarder. Last month he threatened to break up with me for throwing out condiments that were two years past their expiration dates. FML

Survival mode

Today, my boyfriend scolded me for asking whether he’d like his favorite soup for lunch when he was, "in absolutely no shape to survive ingesting food." Two hours later he's greedily digging into an almost expired pack of cheap and nasty supermarket waffles from out of his bag. FML

Good intention, mid outcome

Today, I was trying to rescue a stray dog and used my work ID to lasso him. I scooped him up and was carrying him to my car when something spooked him and he ran off with my work ID. I eventually found him and traded him a granola bar for my work ID, but not before I reported it missing to my boss. FML

Not close for a reason

Today, I wanted to go visit my mom, only to find out that she's still married to the same overprotective controlling prick who tried to make me drop out of my senior year of high school because of the Sandy Hook shooting. FML

You know nothing, fool!

Today, my friend accidentally killed his AirPods by washing them. He decided to lie to the service center and say they just stopped working. When I said they wouldn't cover it, he asked Gemini, which said it *was* a warranty issue, and gave him a cover story. Then, he started talking shit about me being useless. FML

Release the bees!

Today, as I was sitting on my terrace, I was wearing neither bright colors, nor any perfume, yet two bees seemed convinced that I must've been some type of flower and persistently tried to figure out where I was hiding my nectar. FML

Needy girl

Today, my husband called me annoyingly needy for saying he never compliments me. I could be half-naked, shaking my ass on the internet, or cruising bars to get validation from strangers. God forbid a woman wants the one person she loves to pay her a crumb of attention. FML

Change of plan?

Today, it's been one year since my husband moved six states away for his job. The plan was for me to stay behind until I found a job, but I still haven't in all this time. I can just feel the distance growing between us. FML

Thanks Deborah

Today, I left outside a bowl of fine herbs I had painstakingly grown from seeds, so they could get some sun. What did they get instead? My upstairs neighbor's filthy soapy water from washing her balcony. Three quarters of the seedlings are now dead. FML

Panic!

Today, during a dream job interview, my mum called and screamed, “DID YOU FIX THE TOILET YET, YOU LAZY BASTARD?” She was loud enough for the interviewer to hear her, so as he stared at me, I panicked and said, “Sorry, she's my previous employer.” FML

Not so Easy Rider

Today, I put the key in my motorcycle but there was no power, so I pushed it to the road and tried to roll-start it down the hill. Pushed back up the hill. Jump started it and took off. Had to push it back up the hill. I change the battery to find out that the electrics are shorted out. I don't have another vehicle. FML