Today, I added a new trigger for my debilitating migraines: presentations shown on projectors - BAM; went to the movies - BAM; went to a concert - BAM BAM BAM. Apparently big screens trigger them now, in addition to sleep or meal disruption, hormones or stress. FML
Today, I brewed coffee at 7 a.m., clattered around getting ready, then left for work. An hour later my phone buzzed: “Are you okay? Your front door is wide open.” I’d left the kettle boiling and the door unlocked. The neighbor watered my plants and left a Post-it: “Your cat used the counter as a jungle gym.” FML
Today, I went to the bathroom. On my way back, I found a small piece of trash in the hallway so I picked it up. It was cat poop. FML
Today, I discovered my parents' first Valentine's Day "date" picture. It shows them as 8 year-olds awkwardly smiling for the camera. Mom looked like a super dork with braces and headgear, and Dad looks weirdly like a really pretty girl in boy's clothes. I asked them about it, and now they won't talk to each other. FML
Today, my stalker from 16 years ago has apparently come back. Hello, police protection. FML
Today, the judge sided with my ex-wife in our divorce, even though the stupid bitch fell for some crypto scam and lost all our money and left us destitute. Apparently, she's an "innocent victim" and I'm a bad person for not standing by her. FML
Today, I discovered that my friend's mom found my little sister, who is severely narcoleptic, muddy and sleeping in the park yesterday. She thought she was abandoned and took her to their home. They are extremely rich, and was treated royally that night. Now my sister refuses to "wake up to reality" and come home. FML
Today, I got a strand of dental floss stuck in my teeth. The only thing that hurts more than my mouth is the irony. FML
Today, we have a man prowling the neighborhood, soliciting donations to a fake charity, all while he is casing the neighborhood and asking us about our valuables. The cops refuse to do anything about it, except tell us we will probably get robbed. FML
Today, I was making small talk with a passenger in my taxi. He was heading to a job interview, so I tried to encourage him by saying, “Don’t worry, even if you mess up, there are plenty of other companies.” He paused then said, “I’m actually interviewing to save the company I already work for.” We spent the rest of the drive in silence. FML
Today, I have both gout and diabetic neuropathy, meaning my feet are both too numb to feel pain while also being too painful to walk. It is not a fun sensation. Not at all. FML
Today, I’m trying to avoid yet another psych ward admission, but my anxiety is so bad that I’m constantly on the verge of a panic attack, and my depression is to the point where I’m tempted to stab myself in the neck with every sharp object I see. FML
Today, my boss watched me get my waistband hooked on a safety hazard in the warehouse. She included it in the safety report. FML
Today, during a Tinder date, the guy spent a solid hour talking about the Tinder date he went on yesterday with someone else. Honestly, I only stayed to the end because the restaurant was excellent. The guy was actually confused when I split the bill and didn’t want to have sex with him. FML
Today, I brought a “safe” store-bought cake to a potluck and dropped it on the sidewalk while getting out of the car. I showed up anyway, carrying the box like it was still fine. It was not. FML
Today, I stopped at a mini-mart and bought a family-size bag of potato chips, a tub of dip, a box of toaster pastries, and some snack cakes. The guy at the counter said, "Wow, someone's hungry!" I told him it wasn't all for me, paid, and left in a huff. It was all for me. I ate it all by that evening. FML
Today, I got a notification that my food had been delivered. I opened my front door and found nothing. After ten minutes of panic, I checked the delivery photo. It was of my old apartment. I moved out eight months ago. FML
Today, I finally beat my personal best on a 10K run. I was so pleased with myself that I forgot to stop my fitness tracker before driving home. According to the app, I finished the last 8 miles at 45 mph. FML
Today, I’m the latest learner of the lesson that, however desperate one is for relief from both, it is wrong to take sleeping pills (for insomnia) and laxatives (for constipation) on the same night. I'd have been fine alone. The catch is a night of pooping as I slept taught my guy that I’m bad to sleep with. FML
Today, I went for a job interview. While waiting to be called in, I noticed a tiny thread hanging from my shirt. I pulled it to fix it but almost unraveled half my sleeve before the interviewer walked in. I spent 30 minutes holding my arm against my side like I was hiding evidence. FML
Today, I joined an online meeting from my bedroom and made sure the background looked tidy. About twenty minutes in, my mother walked in behind me carrying a laundry basket and shouted, “Where did you put my bras?” The meeting was with my new boss. FML
Today, I got an email statement from my job's HR. Long story short, they are cancelling all pending referral bonuses as they are "too costly" and they determined that my "salary is more than enough." I can still refer more people, though. FML
Today, I found a note on my car windshield that said, “Sorry about what happened.” I immediately assumed someone had hit it. After panicking for 2 minutes, I realized the note had been left by my friend, who had borrowed my car and accidentally left the radio playing overnight, draining the battery. FML
Today, I'm living in a hotel and every morning during breakfast, I inspect the muffins and see hair under the clear wrap. This morning, I finally found no hair when looking at the muffins and I really wanted one. I peeled back the clear wrap and immediately revealed hair. Why is this place so disgusting? FML
Today, after my landlord emailed to say someone would be inspecting the apartment at 10 AM, I cleaned everything and waited at home all morning. At noon, I called to ask where they were. The inspection was scheduled for next Tuesday. I'd read the date wrong. FML
Today, after I hooked up with this cute guy, the fire alarm went off. I dashed outside, still mostly naked, only to find the alarm was coming from his phone as he slammed the door behind me. There was no fire, he just wanted me gone after the sex was over so he faked the alarm. FML
Today, despite feeling rubbish due to chronic illness, I got up and dressed for uni. When I got to the train station, I decided to sit on the closest bench to wait. It would’ve been nice if I’d seen the bright blue chewing gum some feral child had left behind before my butt found it. FML
Today, my friend accidentally killed his AirPods by washing them. He decided to lie to the service center and say they just stopped working. When I said they wouldn't cover it, he asked Gemini, which said it *was* a warranty issue, and gave him a cover story. Then, he started talking shit about me being useless. FML
Today, the Gen Z at the office introduced me to this book series from "#booktok." I thought why not, and i just read it. I ended up reading all three books in a week and obsessing over the series while the Gen Z didn't move past the first one. The series isn't even that good, but I'm stuck now. FML
Today, I was looking for a tiny little container I use to keep my medication dosages when I travel. I checked just about every place I could think of, so where did I finally find it? Behind the wide open closet door. It had fallen out of my travel bag, which I'd used last week, and rolled behind the tiny nook it made. FML
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