Today, a customer got pissed off and called me a "libtard" simply because I admitted that I had absolutely no clue who Charlie Kirk was, but I'm the one in trouble for telling him to GTFO because I don't take crap from people. FML
Today, I texted my best friend, “Good luck with your date tonight! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” She replied, "Thanks! I’ll try not to, but to be honest, that’s not saying much." I meant it as a joke, but she had no idea what I meant. It seems that I accidentally implied I’m a bad influence. FML
Today, I had my first trauma nightmare, about my classmates who had drugs planted on them so the police officers could abuse them for being queer. It's been 16 years since high school. FML
Today, I wore a new outfit that I thought was super cute. I was feeling confident until a seemingly drunk woman came up to me in a bar, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, “I don’t know what you were going for with this", gesturing at my outfit, "but it’s not working.” Then she stumbled off to join her friends. FML
Today, I realized our life has been lacking in romance lately, so I got a card, a bunch of flowers, and made reservations at a lovely restaurant for a nice evening. When I got home and gave my wife the flowers, all she did was sigh and ask what I "fucked up this time." She also refused to go to dinner. FML
Today, a student told me to "F*** off!" I reported it to my boss and the student's parent, who is also a teacher at the school. My boss deemed it a minor issue and said we wouldn't be following discipline policy. Now, my boss frequently visits my classroom to bully me, likely due to the two of them being drinking buddies. FML
Today, I took a selfie at a concert with the stage in the background. As I tilted my head to get the perfect angle, I knocked over the guy in front of me’s beer. He turned around just in time to see me dripping in weak piss beer, and my selfie became a snapshot of my humiliation. FML
Today, after me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago, I found out he had a new girlfriend, but he was repetitively trying to get back into contact with me to rub it in my face. Then his mum died and she blocked him, so he came running back. FML
Today, I locked myself out of my apartment, and in a panic, I tried using a credit card to open the door like I'd seen in movies and stuff. Instead of opening the door, I broke my card in half. I then had to call my landlord, who showed up an hour later and said, "Wow, you really tried to break into your own house, huh?" FML
Today, I woke up, made breakfast for myself, and read all the notifications on my smartphone. The first one was about an accidental death at work, and that all maintenance workers are suspects. I work in maintenance, and it's not my section where the accident happened. RIP. FML
Today, I was trying to take a cute selfie on a hiking trip. As I leaned against a boulder to get the perfect shot, a squirrel jumped out of nowhere and attacked me, probably thinking I was after its food. I dropped my phone into a creek, and my friends took a picture of me freaking out instead. FML
Today, I was in a meeting when my phone suddenly rang. I'd forgotten to silence it, but it wasn’t just any ringtone, it was "I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65. It played for 30 seconds while everyone stared at me rushing to retrieve it from my bag on the other side of the room and turn it off. The worst part? That fucking song is still stuck in my head, and it's been hours. FML
Hang in there, buddy!
Today, I found out the real reason I always had trouble making/keeping friends as a kid and why I wasn’t invited to anything. My parents were aggressive swingers and either successfully fucked, or came on to, every couple wherever we moved. Thanks, you horny bastards. FML
Today, I was at the dentist and got laughing gas to lessen the anxiety I get from the numbing shots. When I was good and "relaxed", an assistant leaned real close and said, "Open wide." I just stared back at her and widened my eyes. She had to clarify she was talking about my mouth. Duh. FML
Today, I started playing the piano at a party. I've been playing for 15 years, so naturally I'm pretty good. I got halfway through a song before getting shown up by some douche who started playing Nickelback on the guitar. Fucking Nickelback. FML
Today, I argued with my roommate about which eggs to buy: organic, pasture-raised, free-range, or AI-verified climate-positive. We settled on whatever was cheapest. They were $9. FML
Today, I went to a party at a friend's place. I walked in and noticed everyone sitting quietly in a circle. I sat down, waited for the conversation to pick up, which is when I realized it was a "silent party", as in everyone had headphones on and was listening to music. I awkwardly left after 10 minutes of pretending I was having a great time. FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the cute barista by pretending to know a lot about coffee. I said, “I’ll take a macchiato, extra creamy.” He smiled and said, “That’s… not a thing.” I panicked and said, “Neither is my love life.” FML
Today, after a stressful shift at work, I bought three bags of candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters tonight. I didn’t realize until I got home that one bag had a hole in it, and there were three empty M&M wrappers inside. My grocery store sucks. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for what I thought was a persistent bug bite. Turns out it was a mole I'd never noticed. I had been scratching it then applying anti-itch cream for weeks. FML
Today, I was having sex with my partner and we got very into it. I went to wrap my hand around his neck and somehow accidentally poked my finger in his eye socket so hard he ended up in emergency. He still can’t see properly out of that eye now. FML
Today, out of desperation, I tried a new AI therapist app. Mid-session, it paused and asked, “Before we continue, would you like to upgrade to Premium for $9.99?” My mental breakdown was not included in the free trial. FML
Today, I woke up to find my cat had knocked over a glass of water, which short-circuited my alarm clock, so I overslept, missed a crucial meeting, and found out I'd been promoted... to a position which no longer exists. FML
Today, I found out my daughter got married and didn’t even bother to tell anyone. She just turned up at a family get together with some random dude and introduced him as the guy she married two weeks ago while drunk. They’re now dating to see if the marriage will work out long term. I can’t even. FML
Today, a kid walked in on me and my new FWB having sex at her place. I knew she had children, so I asked if it was hers. No, it was her son's. I'm boning a grandma who's not even 50. FML
Today, after I tried to give a friend I had for ten years a second chance, after we had a bad falling out because it was "too much for her" that I had a life changing accident and was not upbeat about it, needless to say she has been obnoxious these past 6 months and I should not have let her selfish butt back in. FML
Today, I received a notice of a suspended driver's license on account of my epilepsy. I have to submit my license by the suspension date, or I could be fined. The suspension date was 8 days ago. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, I told my supervisor that I want to do the work I was hired to do, which is Data Engineer. He told me he doesn't have the workload for another data engineer, and needs someone with people skills. He's very happy with the current situation. I left my previous job because of the same problem. FML
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