Today, my ex-boyfriend went "social media official" with another girl. He dumped me less than 24 hours ago for forgetting to get utensils for our takeout. Now I know why he’s been systematically picking fights and getting irrationally angry over minuscule things for the past three months. FML
Today, the love of my life told me she no longer wants to be with me. Two kids and a happy life thrown away. Today I realised that nothing is forever. FML
Today, he’s the worst backseat driver ever: first he demands I drive more slowly, then when I swerve slightly because he startled me, he promptly admonishes me to stay in my lane. "He"? Well, he’s not actually a person. He’s my very high-tech rental car, who won’t shut up. FML
Today, at my job as a funeral director, I fell ass over heels into the grave in front of a hundred mourners and an unamused Catholic priest. FML
Today, I was playing Drawful with my parents and a few friends. We were having a great time, until one of us got a drawing prompt about God. The game doesn't let you use capital letters. As a result, my uber-religious mom went on a massive tirade about not being able to capitalize "God," completely ruining the game. FML
Today, I went to my cousin’s wedding and started tearing up during the vows. I reached into my purse for a tissue but accidentally pulled out a tampon, which flew across the aisle and landed right between the bride and groom. It's probably going to make it into the wedding video. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a car air freshener on his desk, because it "keeps my farts away from his air." FML
Today, my dad is mad at me because I refused to buy a truck. An ugly old Isuzu with two flat tires and a missing headlight, and the owner said it needed a new transmission & brakes, but still wanted $8000. Apparently, without consulting me, Dad promised him I'd buy it as payment for guns he bought. Now he's in debt. FML
Today, my father-in-law confessed during dinner that he watched me and my wife have sex that morning through the window. He even more awkwardly brought it back up later that evening to say I seemed very good at it, and tried asking for details about me and my wife’s sex life. FML
Today, I’m currently battling a cold that caused me to call into work yesterday and, as of this morning, I’ve also started my period and have the most painful cramps ever. Good thing I have the day off from work. FML
Today, I'm once again stuck on the side of the road. I was borrowing my housemate's old car and it broke down. This comes only days after my own broke down (and will take 3 weeks to repair). None of this is helping my sudden temper and mood swings that have come as a side-effect of discontinuing my anti-depressants. FML
Today, my husband, who rarely helps with big projects around the house, offered to help me with our mess of a backyard. An hour and a half into the project, and an hour and a half after he disappeared from the backyard, I found him mowing and edging the front. Our front yard was immaculate and didn't need mowed. FML
Today, I found out about my husband’s work Holiday party last night. I wasn’t invited because he told me they didn’t allow plus ones. That would be more believable if my friend who works at his same company hadn’t brought his wife there. FML
Today, my stepfather refused to drive me to the hospital after having a toothpick that was left on the floor lodge itself and break off in the bottom of my foot. He's the only person in the house that uses toothpicks. FML
Today, I had lower lumbar back surgery. I'm in horrible pain, my kids are wedged up my butt even though my husband is home, and I've heard nothing from friends or family, not even a check-in to see how it went. FML
Today, I found out that the “stranger” I’ve been confessing my kinky, dark, and disgusting fantasies to online is a friend from high school, who figured out it was me by the third sentence. Now I'm praying she has a heart. FML
Today, at a fancy restaurant, I walked into the restroom. After washing my hands, I looked up and noticed the urinals and the sudden presence of three very confused men. I had walked into the men’s bathroom. I pretended to check my phone like I was lost. FML
Today, I found out that even when I have written and submitted freelance work, the client can refuse to pay and it'd be acknowledged because I'm from Nigeria. Also, they can still use my work. I guess the "Nigerian Prince" issue is affecting even the innocent. FML
Today, I had to tell my 30 year-old boyfriend to take a shower, or else he won't for a week. FML
Today, two girls who are in my class tried to talk to me about each other, not knowing the other had already spoken to me. They are best friends, but also hate each other, and seem to have taken me as the one to shit talk to about each other constantly. FML
Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML
Today, I had to sit and listen to a coworker tell me about how disappointed she is her daughter is a lesbian and wondering if anyone still does those "pray it away" camps. I work in HR so I couldn’t even call her an evil, bigoted witch, because I know I’m the one who’d lose my job. FML
Today, it's the twelfth day since I ordered the fittings (which are not sold in hardware stores) needed for one of our tenants' leaking kitchen sink. I received two emails; one that says the package will arrive today, and one that says never mind, the package will arrive in seven weeks. For the tenant, FML
Today, I woke up late and rushed to catch the bus. I sprinted heroically, slipped on wet pavement, and skidded directly into a puddle deep enough to baptize me. The driver waited just long enough to make eye contact before closing the doors and leaving. FML
Today, after I found out my uncle took me off my grandma's funeral program, I had to fight to speak. He spent the week taking out his jealousy and anger on me and my sister for being included in her funeral. To everyone else he's played the saint, and the whole family has no idea. FML
Today, I set my alarm for AM instead of PM. Woke up at 5AM to realize I have nothing to do. FML
Today, I had a conversation about how my day was, while dreaming. That’s how lonely I am. FML
Today, and like every day, after I'd just had finished serving a customer on one side of the store, my boss asked me to go help another one on the other side of the store, which is literally a 2-minute walk away, while 2 other staff members were besides him, doing nothing. I don't even get paid commission. FML
Today, it's been a month since the hair dye that was supposed to be temporary is still making my hair tropically green, now with some added roots making it look even worse. FML
Today, I went to a TV show filming, but I was sitting behind what must've been the tallest person in the world. I'll probably only get to see the show properly once it airs. FML
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