Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend's jealousy reached a psychotic new low. While at dinner, I apparently made too much eye contact and dared to smile when the waiter took our order. He screamed, “Why don’t you just have him whip it out so you can suck him off right here?!” I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML
Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML
Today, my boyfriend is pissed at me and went so far as to equate it to cheating that I went out to eat with some friends. I’d love to go to a restaurant with him but he refuses to eat anything other than beef, cheese, white bread, and chicken nuggets. That man has the palate of a 4 year-old. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML
Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML
Today, my boyfriend starting going off on me, calling me a psycho, all because I opened our bedroom door while he was in there. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted to purposely sabotaging all my weight loss efforts. When I confronted him, he said it’s because he doesn’t want me to get thin and turn into one of those stuck up, snobby, mean girl types that wouldn’t date him in high school. We’re in our 30s dude, get over it! FML
Today, my husband threw a bitch-fit and made passive aggressive remarks throughout the entire day. What did I do? Call him out on commenting an eggplant, peach, and winky face emoji under a female friend’s picture. He deactivated all social media accounts and shouted, “Are you happy now? I can’t talk to anyone now!” FML
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Top comments
purplekanc 24
I had a boyfriend like that once.. I left him. I couldn’t deal with his insecurities especially since he didn’t want to get professional help. He was too toxic
RichardPencil 32
It might help if you didn’t circumcise the cucumbers before swallowing them whole.
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Comments (23)
zuckerburg 21
get pickles, ask him if it's size appropriate, watch him flip out.
cardin06 15
Tell him to research jelqing or the “penis professor”
tounces7 28
The only real question here is, why isn't he your ex yet?
Jackey 29
Maybe he needs to be told that there are other places you could insert a cucumber if you were trying to make a point...
auroraamber 6
not everyone wants a big dick
Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15
dump him
TxKitten79 10
Get out. NOW. This is a serious red flag!!!
Mungolikecandy 19
Yeah, you want to get out of that one as soon as possible.
Yudith 28
Maybe if you didn't swith the English cucumbers for tiny Lebanese ones, prepare Vienna sausages in VH sauce every week, add cocktail sausages to his sauerkraut and pack him baby carrots in his lunch, he could forget about his small penis.
wmayrhofer 18
well, does he?