Today, trying to make my 6 year-old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word "Toot". My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say, "Daddy taught me how to draw butts." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML
Today, my toddler proudly presented me a "beautiful drawing" he'd made... on my freshly painted living room wall. When I started to scold him, he said, "But I made it for YOU, Mommy!" Now I feel guilty for being mad at Picasso Jr, and having to paint over it. FML
Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public, she needed to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML
Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML
Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML
Today, my 5-year-old daughter drew a picture of our family. A typical drawing for a 5-year-old. Sticks and straws. One had two round shapes on its chest. "Is that mommy and is that one me?" I asked. "No daddy," she said. "You’re this one," she said while pointing out the one with boobs. FML
Today, I discovered my 3-year-old daughter's artistic skills. She managed to draw an elaborate mural on our living room wall. The masterpiece? A stick figure family, including our dog, but instead of a tail, he has a second head. She of course used permanent markers. FML
Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML
Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML
Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year-old son pointed at a lady and exclaimed, “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML
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Top comments
Sessee 4
Well, when I was a kid, my mom told me that lowercase M's are basically upside-down butts. Of course, I shared that with my entire kindergarten class.
lizwriteslove 0
Good job.
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Comments (97)
CaptainJellyBean 0
Kids say the darndest things.
emilyelle 0
OP is the best dad ever.
yesmy_love 0
hahahah awesome!!! sounds like something my dad has definitely done before :)
bloppyblue 0
Haha, you totally DONT deserve that [to all the idiots who said you did] :P Its something any dad with a sense of humour would do! At least she laughed :)
blackest_eyes13 0
Heck with the old bird, man! That is some legendary stuff to come out of a kid's mouth. You could instantly be labeled a really cool father.
kuhhrissayyxo 0
i was told w's were like butts. (well the way i write them). i shared that with many people at a party(:
brott 0
This is so "Two and a Half Men" XD
Maou_fml 0
I see why she's so judgemental.
nsforever138 0
nice, now teach her how to draw big hairy cocks with a big vein down the middle
itzdashit 0
Dont feel bad she sounds like a total BITCH