Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to "put me out." FML
Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML
Today, I made scrambled eggs. Returning the rest of the carton, I tripped and spilled 10 raw eggs all over the inside of the fridge. The same fridge I spent 2 hours cleaning and scrubbing every drawer and shelf of yesterday. FML
Today. I was sitting up having coffee early in the morning, still half-asleep. My dad walked in, getting ready for work. He asked if that was my water sitting there. He thought it must've be his, so he took a big gulp. OMG, I'd forgotten I'd poured a glass of pure white vinegar last night. His face was absolutely hilarious. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML
Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML
Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML
Today, I helped my neighbor carry her groceries upstairs. One egg carton slipped from my hand and exploded in the sink. She stared at the mess, then at me, and said, “That's my omelet down the drain.” FML
Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Bobissmall 13
Was it an explosion? BRING ON THE THUMBS DOWN.
thisisafunnyname 12
Why would you get thumbed down? That was quite an eggcelent pun.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (98)
angielluen22 3
wow totally sucks! I know the feeling my mom gets like that sometimes and it drives me insane! >.
hockey199813 5
Hi
j_cat187 20
**** alcoholism
ShroomsOnAcid 17
**** addiction in general.
CryMoreFMLs 15
I'm addicted to FML.
ast3150 13
Yes actually alcohol made my dad kill himself. He had 3 ‰ a few hours after he did it. He actually didn't even want to.
ShroomsOnAcid 17
You can't really know that he never wanted to, 88. In lots of cases of someone committing suicide, the friends and family are left confused because they had no idea their beloved one would have such thoughts or a reason to kill themselves. Most people don't share feelings of the sort. Alcohol most likely exaggerated his feelings or just gave him the perceived courage to go through with it. Whatever the case may be, I am still truly sorry for your loss.
angrymexican 8
95 not to be an ass but after all those puns I read eggsaggerated
sierralovesyou 0
Sounds horrible... Sucks eggs for you.
WCARlover 35
That's sad...alcohol can really suck I'm sorry:(
exleonhart 0
What?! Alcohol is one of the best things ever. Who learned you?
coltsrock37 15
It's an eggageration when you say exploded all over the house
ricinator 11
*eggsaggerate please spell it right the next time you attempt a pun
exleonhart 0
To be fair OP did say "all over the kitchen." But you knew she meant house, right?
lolman222 0
Well, you're assuming your role in life, so why is this on FML? Isn't it the woman's job to clean and be in the kitchen? If you were making the eggs, none of that would have happened... Simple as that.
EmmyBabe_fml 0
Good luck finding a girlfriend! You're a dick!
lolman222 0
I have one. Thanks for asking. She is incredibly lovely and I treat her with the utmost respect. She is genuinely an equal to me.
FarSide 23
She is a dick with low self esteem and a poor judge of male character.
lolman222 0
Wow... Aren't you mean... I made a woman joke on the Internet that I didn't even mean, and now you're not only putting me down but putting my girlfriend down too? You know nothing about me or my girlfriend, so I don't know how either of you can make judgement calls about any of it. I can't believe people actually thumbs up'd you both. My girlfriend happens to have a high self esteem, and I find her to be equal to me. I am a very chivalrous person. I would never actually mean a woman joke. People on the Internet are so cruel... Why aren't their comments moderated? I feel incredibly hurt by their words, especially the second person's words, and so does my girlfriend.
FYLDeep 26
It's probably better than burning down the coffee maker and not being able to enter the kitchen without your eyes burning from the plastic. Not to say it's not bad though.
mrahhhhh 21
Ah, the solitary drinker. Alcohol: Giving weak people a way to temporarily escape their problems without facing them like a man since ancient times.
False_Stupidity 42
Alcohol: helping ugly people get laid since ancient times.
Freeze_fml 17
Why are you cleaning the mess?
thecovert 7
That sucks.