Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I sharted in work this morning. It was rather unpleasant and everyone around me knew what had happened. The embarrassment was stifling. FML
Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML
Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML
Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked, "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML
Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML
Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML
Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom at work, humming to myself while scrolling through memes. I started laughing and I said out loud, “You’re so stupid” to my phone. Someone in the next stall said, “Excuse me?” and I had to fake a cough and flush just to escape. FML
Today, at work, I thought I’d sneak a wee fart out, but ended up shitting myself. I just left work without telling anyone, went home, showered, then went back to work. No one missed me being away for 2 hours. FML
Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML
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Top comments
TheOneTC 8
Couldn't have just said stomach bug?
Hiimhaileypotter 53
Wow, she's professional.
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Comments (71)
Parris83 9
That's awful :( Hope you feel better!
timjones 8
Well hopefully he can get his boss back somehow.
Crlnprz 11
Or.. they need to grow up and not laugh like adults
Hiimhaileypotter 53
Wow, she's professional.
zandalee 20
What's with all the shit being thrown around today? Lol
WritingWrongs 8
My first question when I call into work: "am I on speakerphone?". I love the OP's username by the way; it really speaks from the heart.
Carmstro 13
40- I ask that question when I'm on the phone in general. You're never safe!
AKGirlinSD 20
40 & 67, I always assume the call is private and not on speaker phone. But when the Original Posters' co-workers come down with the stomach flu, OP will have the last laugh. And OP's username might be one of the best I've ever seen on FML!
teresee 8
Bummer.
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Pun intended? Or are you just being an ass? :D
teresee 8
Perhaps a little bit of both ;)
TheOneTC 8
Couldn't have just said stomach bug?
Kiki242 19
Don't be embarrassed OP. pooping is natural.
Zoomali 1
I agree. I don't get why adults finds bowel distress funny. You shit, I shit, everyone *****.
SenselessPattern 12
Not according to "Nobody poops but you." book.
yousuck44 11
I thought the book was called everybody poops.
SenselessPattern 12
That's the more popular one, but my parents were hipsters, unfortunately. Now I'm anally confused for life.
kyat288 9
Least you didn't let one rip for everyone to hear... And what a bitch
xGolfWangx 5
OP's name ! xD
Futacy 30
YOLO unless you're Buddhist or you a zombie.
shawnaishere 14
You don't live once. You live everyday but you only die once.
MURIKKA 11
10- Or Hindu
graffitied_love 20
I prefer YOLT; You Only Live Twice
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Or a cat
Enslaved 38
For whom the bell tolls!
KMtheDrummer 6
If the Yolotards keep up we're gunna have a Yolocaust
BunchieRules 31
In my opinion, YOLO is one of the worst excuses in history. "Jumped off a building? YOLO." I only use it for threats, such as "You know, Steve, you only live once" while holding a machete.
Pretty_Pink_Lady 10
41- Yoko Ono Loves Origami is my personal favorite.
ICastillo 25
Hey when you have to go you have to go.
Inediblepeaches 15
*looks at OP's name* Yolo. ....I'm so sorry, I had to pleasedonthateme >_
GracesDelirium 9
Too late. You are now doomed to a lifetime of hatred and misery. RUE THIS DAY, MORTAL!
SenselessPattern 12
Well, you did say please... Nope, still despise your life essence, sorry.
Posthuman 26
-looks for you- I WILL hunt you down for saying that o.e
Futacy 30
^ What a shitty joke