Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after I was locked out of my apartment, I went down the leaf-filled ravine behind the building to get to the fire escape ladder, climbed up four stories and over the balcony, then wiggled through the window on my stomach onto the living room floor. Now I'm back inside and paranoid about robbers doing the same. FML
Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around the back. While hanging upside down, my hood fell over my head. My dog ran through to investigate the noise and ravaged me thinking I was a burglar. I then fell and broke my wrist. FML
Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML
Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by showing up at her apartment early. I climbed through her bedroom window, holding flowers. I got the wrong window. Some old man screamed, hit me with a broom, and called the cops. FML
Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML
Today, I was locked out of my house. With no other available option, I decided to try and ninja my way through a window. However, as it turns out, I would make a terrible ninja. I now have a sprained ankle and a broken window. FML
Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML
Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML
Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML
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Top comments
UnknownAccess 1
You should buy a gun incase it's not a fat **** and is instead a fit ****.
JasonThorn 23
"What happened?" "I shot him with rock salt." "But he had his back to you." "...I couldn't tell."
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Comments (26)
UnknownAccess 1
You should buy a gun incase it's not a fat **** and is instead a fit ****.
1known 34
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Yeah let's kill someone because he took some objects! Nobody deserves to die for such a reason!
chris_lillo 15
if someone is able to get into her house to steal then they are able to get into her house to cause harm too
Dustin Allen-Duwayne Lakey 16
I've worked my ass off for everything I own. bought it with blood and sweat. If someone were trying to take what I worked for from me. I'd kill them. No hesitation.
almost_there44 26
You deserve to die if you are smug enough to enter someone's house and take what is not yours. You take my toaster, I take your life. Simple math.
PenguinPal3017 19
Breaking into someone's home is a horrible thing to do. Not only might they need the items you take, you can also rob them of their feeling of safety. This can have a serious impact on their life. It can cause health issues, prevent them from sleeping, from being happy. They get home from work and try to relax, but instead feel on edge. What's that noise? Is someone breaking in?
Rabite 28
Let's just hope your mother in law doesn't have a key you don't know of. Murica!
manofmerr 27
I have a cheap toaster. so i don't think that's enough of a reason to shoot, but if (and its likely that this would be the case) the robber tries to attack me, and i'm a 4'10 woman, than i'm sure as shit reaching for a gun. And if the robber is armed, that won't be rock salt hurtling towards him.
acmariner99 25
Legal lesson for non-Americans: most US States have what is called “Castle Doctrine” which means you can use force or deadly force (depending on the state) to stop a forcible felony in your home. There is a presumption that using force to stop an intruder for breaking and entering (which is forcible felony regardless of their intention) is legal and the state has to prove it wasn’t. Attacking an intruder after they have left your property (chasing them down the street and shooting them in the back) isn’t legal.
tounces7 28
It's not about deserving. If you're in my house, my children are here, and you're immediately a threat.
JasonThorn 23
"What happened?" "I shot him with rock salt." "But he had his back to you." "...I couldn't tell."
RichardPencil 32
Is your superpower making incredibly delicious snacks that the criminal gorges on and can’t get their bloated carcass out of your window?
greenwichgal 15
Not really and fml. More like god damn I caught a robber. Go me!
allie2590 31
Catching an intruder in your house is definitely an fml
GamerChickxoxo 16
so did you have him charged for the damages ? or is the body still dissolving ?
dexter420 21
That is awesome. 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 please tell the truth. What did you stick in his ass.
Lobby_Bee 18
Pull his pants down and tickle his asshole with a feather. That'll torture him and the best part is, nobody will believe you did it. No wounds, no injury, just psychological damages that would make his sphincter flinch whenever a breeze blows from behind.
ARISKomuniszt 24
dafuq
manofmerr 27
You must have the most interesting parties.
Davros 12
while waiting on the cops I would go out and dangle a chicken wing in his face.
thatslifeiguess7 16
Did your 911 call go like this "Pooh Bear is stuck in my window"
Chazzster 32
Next time call 911 instead.