Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

A slight overreaction

Today, our daughter has actually been dating a decent guy, compared to the usual losers, and was going to meet his parents. My wife put her foot in it by repeating over and over again how important meeting the parents is. She psyched her out so bad, she cancelled meeting his parents and dumped him. FML

What are the odds?

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I'd first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I'd decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

Don't be that guy

Today, I was set up on my first blind date since my divorce. My expectations were low, but when she showed up, she was a smoking hot. She was way out of my league, she was delightful and kind throughout the date, but my low confidence shined through. That night she acquired an expensive dinner and a stalker. Me. FML

Astrology is bullshit, get better friends

Today, my friend reminded me that I have been on a ton of dates lately, but couldn't get a girlfriend because I thought something was off with them all. He also reminded me that I have dated every zodiac sign, meaning I'm out of options. FML

Gotcha!

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

Thanks but no thanks

Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML

Is this catfishing?

Today, I went on a date with someone I've been talking to online for weeks. Unfortunately, it turns out they'd used old photos and misrepresented themselves, and I didn't find them attractive at all. Even I'm not that desperate. We ended up having an awkward dinner and I couldn't wait for it to be over. FML