Today, I asked my girlfriend to wait at my new place for some furniture to be delivered. When I got the notification on my phone, I checked the cameras and saw her pressing her sweaty armpits against multiple surfaces. When confronted, she said she was using pheromones to “mark her territory.” WTF? FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was going to hook up with a new girl. She told me not to shower or wear deodorant when I came over, which I thought was a little odd but went along with. As we were getting warmed up, she started licking my sweaty armpit and moaning loudly. This is probably too weird to tolerate. FML
Today, I noticed my girlfriend wiping her sweaty armpits with the small towel that I always use to wipe my face with after shaving. Now I know why the towel smells so bad. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to sniff his armpit to see if he was the one who smelled. I did because we are that comfortable with us. After a couple of sniffs I heard laughter. I forgot I was sitting in his living room and his family was watching me the whole time. I am now the BO finder. FML
Today, my girlfriend has become such a workaholic that I found her sitting in her office, soaked in piss. When I called her out, she said she didn't want to take bathroom breaks anymore, and asked me to buy diapers. FML
Today, my girlfriend is pissed at me and crying that I bodyshamed her. She wants to do that cutesy shit of wearing my clothes and hoodies but she outweighs me by more than 50lbs. I’ve offered to buy her hoodies and spray my cologne on them for her, but I guess that’s not good enough. FML
Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my girlfriend by cleaning the entire house while she was at work. I even lit incense to make it extra special. When she came home, she walked in, sniffed, and immediately accused me of "cheating or something" because "only guilt makes you clean this much." She also blamed me for adding more dust by burning incense. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend by showing up at her place with flowers and dinner. She opened the door wearing pajamas… and standing next to her was another guy wearing the same pajamas. They both looked at me like I was the intruder. FML
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Top comments
kitten79TX 5
You do realize that mamals, including humans, also have phermones, right? So while what this girl did was crazy and weird, you're still wrong for saying people don't make phermones.
RichardPencil 32
She'd better not have ****** with your spot! You're going to have to pee extra on that to overwrite her pit stains!
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Comments (6)
mskeptik 12
A pheromone is a chemical that an insect produces which changes the behavior of another insect of the same species. Either your girlfriend is a bug, or she is one of these people who believe in pheromone perfume scam.
kitten79TX 5
You do realize that mamals, including humans, also have phermones, right? So while what this girl did was crazy and weird, you're still wrong for saying people don't make phermones.
mskeptik 12
Do I realize? No I don't. Controlled scientific studies have failed to show any compelling evidence. Human pheromones don't exist.
Kr3m 5
That's not entirely true. There is in fact compelling evidence for the existence of pheromones. The trouble is, that same evidence points to the possibility that the behavioral responses are due to nothing more than scent imprints. It's something that is still being researched and will be for a while.
RichardPencil 32
She'd better not have ****** with your spot! You're going to have to pee extra on that to overwrite her pit stains!
tiptoppc 21
This reminds me of the American dad episode “I am the walrus”
spinningrecords 14
At least she didn’t scoot across your rugs.
JackWood 21
Sounds legit.
idragosani 17
I thought everyone did that when they get new furniture