Today, I had pest guys over, so I asked if I should put my cat away. They asked if he was crazy, and I usually call him a "nut job" or a "handful" but instead of one of those, I said, "He's a handjob" to them. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got a call from a telemarketer who asked, "Is this the crazy cat lady?" I only own one cat, but apparently, that’s all it takes to earn a reputation. FML
Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML
Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. Twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML
Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML
Today, I wanted to show my friends my cat’s “high-five” trick. I held out my hand, and instead of a high-five, my cat scratched and bit me instead. I yelped, and my friends burst into laughter. I had to bandage my hand, all whilst they joked about “cat training.” FML
Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML
Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML
Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML
Today, in what was probably a freudian slip, I 'accidentally' sent my boss a text message meant for my therapist, containing an elaborate plan to sneak my cat into the office as my "emotional support animal." My boss replied with a simple "Denied." My dreams of a feline-fueled workspace shattered. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet for a routine check-up. The vet asked if my cat was stressed at all, so I confidently replied, "No, he's a pretty chill little dude." That's when my cat decided to hiss and spit his way to the top of the shelves on the other side of the examination room. He's not as chill as I thought. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Pest control techs are expensive. Perhaps, you subliminally suggested an alternative payment plan.
RichardPencil 32
No handjobs!
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Comments (4)
Thaylok 17
Always answer a closed ended question with a sime Yes/No response. This is something my wife of 25 years is still learning.
TwoBytesCarley 27
Besides avoiding the rare slip o the tongue, or with regard to legal matters, why? People tend to answer more thoroughly in general discussion; it’s how regular conversation works, especially friendly communication.
RichardPencil 32
No handjobs!
RichardPencil 32
Pest control techs are expensive. Perhaps, you subliminally suggested an alternative payment plan.
Yudith 28
For the next time, you should put your nut job away for at least twelve hours starting the moment the pest guys start treating your apartment. If it's just an inspection, though, you don't need to move your handful.
core01 30
your nutfull handjob