Today, my neighbour came over, claiming she was tired of receiving my psychic messages so yes, she would have a sexual relationship with me and my husband, as long as I stop sending messages because every message gives her a migraine. The cops and an ambulance were called real quick. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, when I woke up I checked my phone for messages, only to hear a woman screaming that I have been sleeping with her husband and that she is sending her 'people' after me. I have never met said husband. I panicked for hours, only to receive a call telling me she had dialed the wrong number. FML
Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shouted back in unison: "We're fucking! Go away!" FML
Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML
Today, a sex phone worker asked me if I was alright and recommended I get some kind of therapy. FML
Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML
Today, I found out why my wife has been cold and distant lately. She went to a psycho fraudster - sorry, I mean "psychic medium" - who said I'm lusting after other women and am thinking about leaving her. She actually believed him. Now I'm considering leaving her for real. Well played, I guess. FML
Today, in the middle of one of the worst migraines of the year, I asked my wife if she could kindly stop trying to tell me about the latest neighbourhood gossip at 130 decibels. Cue her loudly nagging in my ear about how I’m mean for not wanting to spend time with her anymore. FML
Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML
Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML
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Top comments
IHaveThePower 18
Good job calling the ambulance, that sounds like psychosis. It's pretty treatable and she'll be fine in a while--depends on how long it takes for her to find the right med.
RichardPencil 32
Were you charged with Assault with a Deadly Message? Are you on the hook for her medical bills because of your barrage of psychic invites to a threesome? I might be getting those, but they're getting drowned out by all the psychic messages from my neighbors who wish I'd park in my driveway. My psychic broadcasts "He'll park on the street if he damn well pleases!" messages but I don't think the thousands I'm spending on that are working.
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Comments (4)
RichardPencil 32
Were you charged with Assault with a Deadly Message? Are you on the hook for her medical bills because of your barrage of psychic invites to a threesome? I might be getting those, but they're getting drowned out by all the psychic messages from my neighbors who wish I'd park in my driveway. My psychic broadcasts "He'll park on the street if he damn well pleases!" messages but I don't think the thousands I'm spending on that are working.
IHaveThePower 18
Good job calling the ambulance, that sounds like psychosis. It's pretty treatable and she'll be fine in a while--depends on how long it takes for her to find the right med.
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
Sorry about that, it seems my psychic messages went to the wrong address.