Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML
Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML
Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML
Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML
Today, my dad was making a sandwich in the kitchen. Hungry, I snuck in and grabbed it, running back to my room and devouring it. Later at dinner, he dumped a whole scoop of rice in my lap. We all ended up laughing as we cleaned it. FML
Today, my mom came home, shitfaced drunk. She thought I was my dad and gave me a forceful kiss, with a lot of tongue. She then pulled away, stared at me, screamed in horror, and spewed all over me. I puked too. FML
Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag containing her Tax Materials. FML
Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML
Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because, "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
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Top comments
Enslaved 38
You ate BOB!!!
mara56780 1
Yummy?
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Comments (215)
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
That must have been pretty choke-y going down. I'm just happy you didn't try to toast it.
medichick 5
One of the funniest things I've heard in a Long time!!! Lol
perdix 31
And your mom was pissed because you're not sponge-worthy.
KiddNYC1O 22
At that stage of drunkenness, anyone should be treated like a kid.
SimplyEerb 3
Good source of calcium!
angel5242 0
What beer does lol
Eiregal2 10
ah.the wonder that is the mammy! no matter how drunk you are or hungover and sick going are,she will always find it in her heart to drag you out of your warm bed with the lovely pillows to bring to the scene of spongebobs murder. all together now! " we love you mama!"
DylansMomma 9
Please tell me you owned up to it, instead of saying something like, "YOLO Mom"
Dracoboxer357 36
65- I don't think blaming it on the dog would work this time, being buttered and all. Owning it at that point would be the only option left, I would think. ;) ps: Your son is adorable. :)
VooDooCarrie91 19
At least you will have squeaky clean insides!
MissAmz 7
OP, just how drunk were you? Unless you have some very tough, weird bread and/ or soft, shitty sponges, you'd probably still be able to tell the difference. I know if I tried to eat a sponge, I probably wouldn't be able to successfully sink my teeth in, chew and swallow.