Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband told me that the only reason he took up jogging 4 years ago was because my mother moved in next door to us and he knew it would kill my sex drive. We haven’t had sex in 4 years. FML
Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML
Today, I found out that I bought a house next door to crazy people. She asked me if I would mind not showering when her husband is at home, because he can hear me and knowing I’m naked on the other side of the wall turns him on, which is a nuisance for her. He’s unemployed. He’s always at home, the creep. FML
Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML
Today, I just moved to a new house so I was looking for new jogging routes. I ended up in an area I was unaware was a big dogging hotspot. Two couples invited me to threesomes, and when I said no and tried to leave, I had stones and litter thrown at me. FML
Today, I was feeling motivated to improve my unhealthy miserable life and went for a jog. Halfway through, I tripped on my own shoelace and scared a couple walking their dog. According to my wife, it's already been gossiped about in our neighborhood. FML
Today, I attempted a casual jog in my neighborhood. Halfway through, my shoelace snapped, and I tripped, skidding across someone’s lawn. The homeowner rushed out, not to help, but to ask why I was “attacking” their grass. FML
Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML
Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML
Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML
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Top comments
kayladance101 13
Well if his wife wont have sex with him, maybe she'll do it with you! Give it a try :)
cooperd52 6
That's assault. Why dont you report him?
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Comments (183)
Knarf_fml 10
One question, are u male or female? If you're a female, what a dirtbag call police! If you're male his wife is probably checking you out and been caught by him. Still not a valid reason to attack anyone! It shows you his insecurities! I'd keep running if he come out again, jump as high as u can and punch him square in the nose on the way down. Self defense.
Demonyx 6
That's assault and battery or assault with a deadly weapon I believe and it's technically unprovoked
jadejazmyn 5
U R A WIMP!
bravo6310 3
Come man!!! Get up shrug that shit off.. I was the same way before the army.. Whoop his ass either face to face or catch him somewere..
garfield224 0
Get some shock knuckles from cabelas, jog again and when he swings drop his ass and stop his heart
LovelyLadyFriend 9
O.o what the heck did you do to make him do that sort of thing? Are you hotter then him? ;P
skinflint 6
take your shirt off and jog by his house when you know his wife is home. then stop in front of their house, do 20 pushups and jog past. stop and do 20 more on the way back.
luvkristelle 3
ha! you should soo **** the shit outta her and make that the reason his wife won't have sex w him :)
yeti420 0
buy a gun
akaroth 0
Start jogging with a bat. :D