Today, my mom called me for dinner by saying, "We're going to eat Steph! I mean we're going to eat COMMA Steph! We're not going to eat you! Ha ha!" She thinks this joke is hilarious and has been doing it to both my dad and me every night since early June. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my mom turned to me and said, "You know, you're the kind of person that has to change literally everything about themselves to get a guy to like you." I thought she was joking so I laughed. She then said, "Like that. Your laugh... What is that? Change that." FML
Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML
Today, my mom asked me why I barely talk to her anymore. Well, mom, maybe it's because you nicknamed my stepdaughter "Leftovers," and call her that in public, like at family gatherings or school events. FML
Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML
Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "Look at this!" then contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "Stop making fun of your sister!" FML
Today, my parents and I went on a hilarious tangent where we rattled off the most ridiculously dark jokes that we could think of. It was going pretty well, until my dad made a joke about diabetes. My mom is diabetic. Now my mom is furious at my dad, and he's blaming me for it. I wasn't the one who made the joke. FML
Today, my dad announced to the whole family that we will be having a vegetarian dinner this Christmas to make my step-mum happy. FML
Today, I knew my mom wanted to go out to dinner with me and my sisters, and I couldn't remember why, so I called her and said, "Why are we going out to dinner?" and she goes, "Well, we always have." I forgot today's the anniversary of my stepdad dying. FML
Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML
Today, my mom tried a new recipe for dinner. She proudly served what she called "gourmet vegetable stew." One bite later, I had to fight every urge to not gag. She asked me how it tasted, and with a straight face, I said, "Delicious!" She then asked for my honest opinion, so I told her it was, um, "an acquired taste." She hasn’t spoken to me since. FML
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Top comments
jesterinperil 28
You know, one of these days she's just going to say, "We're going to eat Steph!" You'll sigh, relieved that the pun tirade is over. But, your mother, in all her grammar wisdom, knows she didn't finish the joke. You'll walk downstairs and she's actually going to eat you. Enjoy the pun while it lasts, or it could cost you your life.
SteveDudleyUK 10
Rest of family should say upon going to visit the toilet "I'm going to the toilet to s*** mom." Ha, ha, I didn't mean actually s*** mom! I wouldn't be able to force you through my anus. Ha ha". Your mom would give up on her joke very quickly after a day or two of that.
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Comments (41)
noreallywhat 17
The jokes only funny if your family is a bunch of cannibals
bresheen 8
I think that is hilarious.
pink_raindrops 26
I think it would've been funny the first time, but every night for over a month would be annoying.
sparkledoge 29
Moms are even worse than dads. My mother has been saying "poupoup" instead of "soup" since i was 3 years old. So whenever we eat soup she keeps repeating "ooohh the good poupoup". And she doesn't see why, at age 20, i find it annoying.
middlenamefrank 8
Well hopefully, for your dad's sake, she at least occasionally goes back on her word with him.
yerawizardlizzy 27
What??? You want her to eat him? Or are you making a bad phallic reference?
freddygasman 18
Middlenamefrank, you're doing it wrong. You're a little bass ackwards there buddy.
JillianJuneBug 39
Oh god and we thought dad jokes were terrible
Gennocent 17
It's 2016, dammit! Moms have the right to make dad jokes too.
Colon_Man 17
Time to put mom in the home.
Le_ponderer 14
Let the old gal have her fun while she can. Granted, it is annoying to you but it makes her laugh happily and it doesn't really hurt you. You could just go down when she calls you to eat, hold her in a hug and say faux-sternly, "young lady, you are going to have to come up with some fresh jokes or else YOU will be dinner".
KingKralj 31
That's why grammar and punctuation is important ;)
memestasquaper 10
Homicide is the only solution.
murph_fml 21
Punctuation saves lives!