Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my wife got a call from my son's school, telling her that he was talking inappropriately in class, using bad language. Neither my wife or I ever use foul language, spoken or written. I feel like such a failure as father and parent. FML
Today, I grounded my son after finding out that he's been bullying other kids at school. He got mad and screamed at me, calling me a "bastard". Instead of defending me, my wife got pissed and accused me of having taught our son to swear like that. I can never win. FML
Today, my mom mentioned how she loves a certain actor's "British" accent. I couldn't help but mention that there's no such thing, and that there are lots of different accents in Britain. She got pissed and lectured me for "lying" to her and trying to make her feel stupid. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me for discouraging our son from baby talking. He's seven, well past the age where exaggerated mush-mouth baby talk is cute. It's grating and off-putting to see him rolling on the floor going, "Me luh mummuh and daddeh" when he's a perfectly smart, well adjusted kid. FML
Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML
Today, my son brought home a girlfriend who actually talks like Vicky Pollard from Little Britain. I simply couldn’t take her seriously, or even understand what she was talking about. This has to be a prank. In fact, it better be because it’s not funny. My son's an idiot. FML
Today, my wife’s posh relatives, who I can’t stand, came for a visit. Within 30 seconds, the bloke had mentioned his new Jaguar, his kid mentioned his yacht holiday, and the wife actually turned her nose up at sitting on the sofa, putting her coat on it first, then sitting on the coat. Bleeding snobs. FML
Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML
Today, I was telling my kids off for some misbehaviour when my wife chimed in that in all honestly, they were just behaving like I do most days. I had zero defence to that because it’s true. I've now got a wife and three kids who won’t stop mocking me FML
Today, according to my husband, our son is at the difficult age where he can finally speak fluent English, but is still too childishly dumb to say anything interesting, intelligent or frankly worth listening to at all. There are times I wish I was a divorced single mum. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Is it just me? I'm imagining a kid in a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, smoking a pipe and hurling Elizabethan insults at other children. "Ye eater of foul meats!" Anyone with me?
Ambrily 27
If you get called a fascist a lot, maybe there's something wrong with the way you express your opinions.
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Comments (4)
bloopaloop 27
It’s called Freudian projection. In the US it’s like someone hating you and calling you fascist for not thinking exactly like them.
Ambrily 27
If you get called a fascist a lot, maybe there's something wrong with the way you express your opinions.
bloopaloop 27
That’s the thing about fascists. If you DONT express an opinion, they do that.
ojoRojo 27
Orrrr it has nothing to do with that. At all.
RichardPencil 32
Is it just me? I'm imagining a kid in a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, smoking a pipe and hurling Elizabethan insults at other children. "Ye eater of foul meats!" Anyone with me?
ahabsfan 17
Bollocks. You’re taking the piss.